Derp in the Heart of TexasYou have to admire the creative thinking of Texas candidate for Lieutenant Governor Jerry Patterson. He doesn’t want Texas to secede from the United States; that’d be dumb. He loves Real America. Instead, how about we get rid of the states what Hate America?

“I get lots of questions all the time, ‘Well, we should secede.’ I say, ‘No, I’ve got a better idea. Instead of secession, I’m a proponent of expulsion,’” he told the AP. “I want to kick about four states out of this union.”

Specifically, that would be California, New York, Massachusetts and Connecticut, because who needs their liberalism and whatever piddling contribution to the GDP they represent? Also, we were not aware that this is the sort of thing that the Texas lieutenant governor has a say in, but apparently the way you become Texas’s Second Lady is to tell people about how you’d tackle stuff that the job has nothing to do with, like impeaching the Preznit.

Mr. Patterson is what you might call “a real character” or caricature or whatever. To prove his allegiance to the Holy Second Amendment, he keeps a .22-caliber Magnum in his boot at all times, and occasionally stuffs a .380 into his waistband for good measure, because “It’s like a smoke detector: You don’t turn it on just for when you think you might get a fire.” Then again, very few people shoot themselves in the nuts with a smoke detector. Your mileage may vary.

He also thinks the Endangered Species Act is a big ol’ waste of time and effort, since it only protects

“critters that probably ought to die anyway. I mean, the blind salamander? How long are we gonna let that little bugger last?”

Hahaha, right. Who needs real bald eagles anyway, when we’ve got the little bastards all over our flagpoles and our 9-11 art already?

Patterson is one of four candidates for Loot Gov, all of them trying hard to out-teabag the others. And he’s just havin’ a little “tongue in cheek” fun with the whole kick-out-the-blue states thing, kinda-sorta:

“Just think about how different our country would be if New York and California weren’t the tail wagging the dog. And those other states? It’s not America.”

Patterson then presumably pulled out two chrome six shooters with mother-of-pearl grips, shouted “Yeee-hah!” and shot at the AP reporter’s feet, telling the lamestream media varmint to dance.


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