In the sort of thinking that seems perfectly rational in a world where we have declared war on “terror,” Tea Party Unity chairman Rick Scarborough and anti-gay obsessionist Peter LaBarbera shared their dreams of Suing the Gay Away yesterday. After all, back in the Clinton years, liberal attorneys general won a lawsuit against Big Tobacco, didn’t they?
On a Tea Party unity conference call Thursday, LaBarbera started the ball rolling by wishing that conservative media would do a better job of stepping up and doing some affirmative action for “ex-gays,” following the model of Fox News, which has done such an admirable job of helping bring attention to black conservatives:
“[We] should all get on Fox and say, ‘come on, tell these stories, these wonderful stories of happy men and women who have left the homosexual lifestyle.'”
Scarborough, a former Baptist minister and the head of something called “the Judeo-Christian Council for Constitutional Restoration,” then unveiled his brilliant plan:
Peter, the whole issue of a class action lawsuit, you and I have talked about this a little bit. I just wonder if you’ve explored that, talked to anyone about it. Obviously, statistically now even the Centers for Disease Control verifies that homosexuality much more likely leads to AIDS than smoking leads to cancer. And yet the entire nation has rejected smoking, billions of dollars are put into a trust fund to help cancer victims and the tobacco industry was held accountable for that. Any thoughts on that kind of an approach?
LaBarbera was enthusiastic, and had given some thought to finding the ideal plaintiff:
Yeah I think that’s great. I would love to see it. We always wanted to see one of the kid in high school who was counseled by the official school counselor to just be gay, then he comes down with HIV. But we never really got the client for that.
Gosh golly, if some kid would just get AIDS in the right circumstances, we’d be in business! Also, we are not the least bit ghoulish here. And we’re just drowning in our love of Jebus, too.
The two legal eagles didn’t quite explain how this was supposed to work — would the target of the suit be gay organizations, the entire gay population, or maybe just the ad agency for Abercrombie & Fitch? Would lesbians, who are far less likely to have HIV than straights, be left alone, or sued for contributing to overall gaiety?
In any case, Yr Doktor Zoom wishes them well in their pursuit, because he really looks forward to getting a big settlement in a class-action suit against baldness.