Investimagating IRSghazigate is so last season. That’s why House Oversight and Government Reform Chairman and theater producer Darrell Issa has discovered some new masturbatory material. He is going to investigate how the eeeeeevil Obama administration allowed Republicans to shut down the government and force the closure of national parks and memorials. But he has a REALLY good reason: some anonymous dude said a thing.
Issa cited an “anonymous park service ranger” who was quoted as telling The Washington Times that “we’ve been told to make life as difficult for people as we can.”
“If true, and I have no reason to doubt the truthfulness of that quote, it is indeed disgusting and despicable that the park service would do this,” Issa said at the hearing, being held jointly by his committee and the House Natural Resources Committee.
An anonymous quote in the Washington Times? It doesn’t get any more airtight than that, does it? We definitely need Issa to get to the bottom of how this Republican shutdown is actually Obama’s fault — and, we are guessing, that is why we must REPEAL! and DEFUND! and IMPEACH!
Sure, we could get all linky with our bad selves to review how the Republicans shutting down the government forced the closure of all kinds of stuff — except the House gym, because that is essential, bitchez — or we could just lazily quote Oregon Rep. Peter DeFazio, who used little I Can Read words to solve the mystery of how this OUTRAGE!!!!!!! happened:
“If you want to spend your time here dissecting individual decisions about what monuments are open and which are closed, let me save you some time. The national park system is surprisingly part of our national government, which you shut down.”
Oh, that’s right. Republicans shut down the government because Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Canada) completely misunderstood the moral lesson of Green Eggs and Ham, and shutting down the government means, you know, shutting down the stuff the government runs, like national parks and monuments. Sure, that seems obvious, but Republicans were busy praying the gay away or something the day they taught How Government Works, so they were SHOCKED! and APPALLED! to discover that their shutdown resulted in stuff being shut down. Besides they didn’t mean that part of the government, duh. Clearly, this is the nefarious work of O’Hitler and not the National Parks Service complying with some kind of legislation:
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“On the very first day of the closure, I implemented a closure order for all 401 national parks in compliance with the Antideficiency Act, and immediately, immediately, that day, also included as a part of that order that First Amendment activities would be permitted on the National Mall,” said National Parks Service director Jonathan B. Jarvis.
Huh. Well, that sort of explains everything, doesn’t it? Not for Issa, though. Even if the National Parks Service was technically doing its job, Issa’s going to investigate why the National Parks Service wasn’t doing Congress’s job too:
“We’re here simply to discover whether or not the park service has met its legal obligation on one hand under the lack of an appropriations bill, but on the other hand done everything it can to mitigate the effects on the American people,” Issa said.
Ah ha! If the National Parks Service was any good at servicing national parks, it would have found a way to stop Republicans from forcing the parks to close for the good of the American people. And that is why Issa is going to do yet more hearings to America, until he figures out exactly how Obama forced Republicans to suck like an industrial strength Hoover. For the people.