STOP IT. STOP SETTING YOURSELVES ON FIRE ON THE NATIONAL MALL.

We had the immense great pleasure (not really) of ear-witnessing the police kill that poor postpartum crazy lady at the Capitol yesterday. (We actually had "postpartum" when we heard there was a baby in the car, till we were swayed by the equally valid suggestion "some man in the White House is shitting himself right now.") There we were, minding everybody's business, walking down to the WWII Memorial to see if any congresspeople were around being brazen, gaping, hairy assholes. Instead, a string of gunshots, a loud boom, and 50,000 cop cars screaming to a halt half a block up from us turned out to be somewhat more diverting than even Michele Bachmann's swirling eyes.

Now a man has set himself on fire on the National Mall. Glenn Beckian martyr who will stop Nobama's genocide? Really fucking overdramatic lib? Just a dude listening to some voices in his head? WE DON'T CARE. STOP IT.

THIS IS NOT ACTUALLY CAMBODIA, AND YOU ARE NOT A FUCKING BUDDHIST MONK. NOBAMA IS NOT KILLING ANYBODY. THE ONLY THING BEING MURDERED BY JOHN BOEHNER IS HIS FUCKING SPEAKERSHIP.

IT IS HARD FOR US TO WRITE DICK JOKES ABOUT POLITICS IF YOU INSIST ON GETTING KILLED BY THE POLICE OR LIGHTING YOURSELVES ON FIRE ON THE FUCKING NATIONAL MALL.

Take a page from Rand Paul's Dumb Bullshit 'Bipartisan' Coffee Not A Photo Op, and ratchet that shit down. 

AND BEHAAAVE YOURSELVES.