Happy shutdown day! Today, federal employees get a taste of life as a blogger: wake up, realize you are not essential, pour vodka on your cornflakes as you wallow in your flannel pajamas all day. At least you can comfortably watch porn without worrying about your supervisor interrupting your wanking — life is good, eh?
But if you are a federal employee, don’t despair too much! In fact, Our Glorious Guiding Star of Socialism Himself, Lord Commander Barack Obama has sent you a letter! Just for you … and your millions of federal brethren and sistern(?), too. What words of inspiration did he have for you? Let’s sexplore.
Do we get to hear phrases about hope and change? Rousing speeches about how Yes We Can? That the moral arc of the universe bends once more towards getting laid, or something like that?
But Congress has failed to meet its responsibility to pass a budget before the fiscal year that begins today. And that means much of our Government must shut down effective today.
Ok, well, that’s just blaming Congress. Fair, but when one is home in pajamas, getting drunk on vodka-soaked corn flakes, they probably don’t really care about petty squabbles. Try again.
Today, I wanted to take a moment to tell you what you mean to me – and to our country.
Ahhh, now that seems more on track. Here we go, Bamz. Hit us with some inspiration:
Dr. Gundry reveals the top 3 common foods that you would have never guessed were the cause of your fatigue.
That begins by saying thank you for the work you do every day – work that is vitally important to our national security and to American families’ economic security. You defend our country overseas and ensure that our troops receive the benefits they deserve when they come home. You guard our borders and protect our civil rights. You help small businesses expand and gain new footholds in overseas markets. You guide hundreds of thousands of people each day through the glory of America’s national parks and monuments, from Yosemite to the Statue of Liberty. And much more.
Yes, of course more. LIKE THE PANDACAM. Obama didn’t mention the PandaCam!!!1! Treason! Doesn’t he know that the PandaCam is the biggest and greatest tragedy of the shutdown, because FREEDOM to watch Pandas is guaranteed by the eleventyth Amendment! Only a socialist dictator would omit such an important part of our democracy. For shame, Mr. President. For. Shame.
Public service is noble. Public service is important.
Yes, but not as important as grown men throwing a temper-tantrum over a law from 2010 that they don’t like. You see, while you perform valuable functions of keeping the government open, you have been deemed non-essential non-exempt, and Congress would rather ruin your day, week, and possibly month because the House GOP is a bunch of petulant whiny-ass titty babies. But wait – we get ahead of our President. It’s his job to use this letter to bash the House GOP:
This shutdown was completely preventable. It should not have happened. And the House of Representatives can end it as soon as it follows the Senate’s lead, and funds your work… without trying to attach highly controversial and partisan measures in the process.
And then, he ends with this:
And I will continue to do everything in my power to get the House of Representatives to allow our Government to reopen as quickly as possible, and make sure you receive the pay that you have earned.
So there you have it, federal workers of America. Barry loves you WAY more than those assholes in the House, and he will work hard to reopen the government.
AND GET THAT GODDAM PANDACAM BACK ONLINE!!!!1!
[PDF of letter from Obama to federal workers, via “anonymous federal worker”]