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HoserOk, Glorious Readers, you totally owe us like a gazzilion dollars in donations of monies and/or booze. Because we spent all yesterday afternoon and part of the evening listening to the nasaly, whiny, pompous ass monkey from Texi-Canada, Ted Cruz, mount a fake filibuster about Obamacare. IT. WAS. TEH. WORST. There were several times when sharp objects had to be hurled from the chatcave lest we impale our ears, eyes, and any other sensory organ.

We had to endure discussions about Cruz’s father washing dishes, a few references to Nazi Germany (natch), a weird tangent on White Castle, and the continued fact that Obamacare will strangle kittens in the nighttime. Gird your loins, come armed with plenty of alcohol, because we are about to walk you through the world’s worstest fakest filibuster. 

Before we get into the highlowlights of the fake filibuster, let’s explain why this is not an actual filibuster. A filibuster is when a Senator talks and talks and talks in order to delay a vote on a bill. In this case, Sen. Reid has said that a vote will happen on the bill at a set time. So basically, Ted Cruz can talk or not talk, and it won’t make any difference at all, except that by talking he is making the entire chatcave drunker and drunker.

So what did this humaniod ballsack talk about for 16 hours and counting?

  • Within the first 30 minutes of talking, Ted Cruz brought up Nazis. If you had “less than 30 minutes” in your office pool, YOU ARE A WINNER!
  • Ted Cruz is all of a sudden concerned about different classes of people. We are not sure if he means rich/poor or Canadian/American or Ivy/Lesser Ivy.
  • Cruz’s father washed dishes to pay his way through college. Hooray for him. Cruz is worried that Obamacare will go back in time and destroy that dishwashing job, thereby ruining Ted Cruz’s chances of being the first Canadian-American President/Prime Minister of the United States of Ameri-Canada (god save the queen!).
  • At some point, #StandWithCruz started trending on Twitters.
  • David Vitter came to the Senate floor to ask a question. He was not accompanied by any HOOKERS, despite the fact that EVERYONE KNOWS he used to boink hookers, hookers being women (and men) who exchange sexytime for monies, even with MARRIED MEN like David Vitter. Vitter asked a question, but all we heard was, “I used to boink hookers and wear diapers.” Cruz answered, but we didn’t care about the answer because we were too busy trying to get the image of Vitter boinking hookers our of our minds. Protip: Bourbon helps with this.
  • Rand Paul made a special appearance, because he, too, will run for Prezzy in 2016, and didn’t want to be left out of all the fun. He promised to bring Cruz candy, and we honestly care more about whether it was a Snickers or a Butterfinger than whatever libertarian, Ayn-Rand-cunnilingus bullshit that spewed out of his mouth.
  • All of a sudden, Cruz was blathering on about White Castle. It made us want to smoke up and eat little burgers. We don’t know what it had to do with Obamacare, but it sure made us hungry.
  • Obamacare vote is the most important vote in the history of ever. For realz, he made the point that the upcoming vote was the most important vote in his NINE MONTH SENATE CAREER.
  • Cruz read letter from his constituents. Apparently, every single person from Texas is afraid that Obamacare will waterboard their families, so please repeal it. Because we are sure that the good Senator would never, ever, cherry-pick letters for political gain.
  • The whole time, Cruz kept blaming D.C. for the problems with Obamacare, apparently unaware that NOT ONE MEMBER of Congress is actually from Washington, D.C. Therefore, the problem is not D.C., but rather the rest of America… like Texas.
  • Cruz did not wear pink shoes, nor did he wear cowboy “argument” boots. He wore black sneakers. He talked about his black sneakers for 5 minutes, which is 5 minutes of our life we will never, ever get back.
  • Jeff Sessions (R-AL) asked questions, calling Obamacare a train wreck. Apparently, no one realizes the irony that in the event of an actual train wreck, health care, like Obamacare, would come in quite handy.
  • Hey, it’s Florida’s Marco Rubio! He looks thirsty. Seriously, he keeps licking his lips. Maybe he is going in for a kiss…  Nah, he’s just talking about how America is the greatest. We’re not looking forward to the 2016 GOP Presidential debates, because if this is the preview, then our lives are gonna SUCK.
  • Around 8 PM, he read Green Eggs and Ham to his “little angel” daughters who were at home watching daddy on the SPAN, and attempted — painfully — to explain how it’s pretty much just like Obamacare, because we do not need to try it to know we will not like it in a box, with a fox, or anywhere, proving once more that an Ivy League education does not mean you do reading comprehension good. We are a little disappointed he did not then read aloud The Butter Battle Book to explain why we should bomb Syria.

At this point, Yr Wonkette had more important things to do, mainly involving alcohol and a form of self-pleasuring that was legalized under Obamacare.

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