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Holy Nice Time! New Pope Has Crazy Ideas That Church Should Not Be ‘Obsessed’ With Gays, ‘Bortions And Slut Pills

There's a new pope in townOkay, it is official: We looooooooove this new pope so much, we want to gay-marry him and have all his abortions:

Pope Francis, in the first extensive interview of his six-month-old papacy, said that the Roman Catholic church had grown “obsessed” with preaching about abortion, gay marriage and contraception, and that he has chosen not to speak of those issues despite recriminations from some critics.

“It is not necessary to talk about these issues all the time [...] The dogmatic and moral teachings of the church are not all equivalent. The church’s pastoral ministry cannot be obsessed with the transmission of a disjointed multitude of doctrines to be imposed insistently.

“We have to find a new balance,” the pope continued, “otherwise even the moral edifice of the church is likely to fall like a house of cards, losing the freshness and fragrance of the Gospel.”

WHAT?!?! Lecturing sluts about how their vaginas are destroying our freedoms and The Gays are making Jesus cry with their gay is not the sole purpose of the church? We would be shocked — shocked! — if we were not too busy drawing hearts with “Wonkette & Pope FOREVAH!” on our notebooks because WE TOLD YOU PEOPLE.

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Sure, some people are going to question whether this new pope is even a real Catholic, what with all of his caring about the poors and not caring so much about Republican talking points. The nerve!

The new pope’s words are likely to have repercussions in a church whose bishops and priests in many countries, including the United States, often appeared to make combating abortion, gay marriage and contraception their top public policy priorities. These teachings are “clear” to him as “a son of the church,” he said, but they have to be taught in a larger context. “The proclamation of the saving love of God comes before moral and religious imperatives.”

Well, okay, so the pope isn’t exactly issuing a bull that the church will start doing gay weddings and opening up abortion clinics (though the Pope Francis Abortionplex has a nice ring to it, no?) Still, for the pope to say (more or less) that he is sick of these motherfucking bigots in his motherfucking church is a Very Nice Thing, and we think it’s sort of a nifty thing that the leader of the Catholic Church wants to go all Big Tent and love everyone … sort of like that one guy said. What was his name? We can’t remember, it is on the tip of our tongues … oh well, it will come to us.

“This church with which we should be thinking is the home of all, not a small chapel that can hold only a small group of selected people,” he said. “We must not reduce the bosom of the universal church to a nest protecting our mediocrity.”

Oh right. Jesus. We think his name was Jesus.

Also, bosoms, because.

[NYT, with h/t to @Darth for excellent poster]

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Hola wonkerados.

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