reproductive rites

Bristol Palin Wants To Singlehandedly Murder Planned Parenthood, With Her Vagina

Bristol is definitely not pregnant in this pictureNoted debutante Bristol Palin, who became an unwilling postergirl for chastity and purity and second virginities and whatnot (second virginities are when you only give up the butt), has done posted a “thought” on the MyFace and her dumb religion blog, and honestly, she is probably plumb tuckered out from having it ghostwritten for her.

What is echoing around Bristol Palin’s perfectly zen uterus (that is where she keeps her brains) today?

Just a great big yeeeehaw and hallelujah that perhaps someday teen girls, like Bristol Palin herself was not too many minutes ago, might get the joy and blessing of being denied affordable care for their bits and their pieces, and also might get the chance to be supertotes knocked up, like she was, with her young son, to whom she does not actually pay that much attention, actually.

Really, take a moment and click back to that livebloog of her sad reality show, Life’s a Tripp, and witness HOW MUCH SHE HATES BEING A MOM, like really, really HATES being a mom, because did you know you have to watch your kid like EVERY DAY? And besides, Bristol does not understand why all the other girls who get knocked up by a “fuckin’ redneck” would not want to “choose life” like she did, especially when it’s so fun and easy and profitable and besides, when “life” gets all tedious, you can just ship it off to Granny, if you believe this scurrilous no-good rag, so you can go out and flooze it up. (For the record: we are for floozing it up.)

because it's terrible when teen girls don't become teen moms

So, girls, take a tip from Bristol Palin. (She is A Expert on parenting, after all.) Being a teen mom is the greatest thing and never leads to meth and sadness and always leads to getting to go on Dancing With The Stars, because that is just how shit works, today, in America.


About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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