Minneapolis: A Mayoral Candidate In Every Lake And A Coffee Cup In Every Hand

So Minneapolis did A Thing a few years ago and implemented Instant Runoff Voting, which means that errrrebody can get on the ballot to run for mayor because there is no primary. The filing fee is a whopping $20, so Minneapolis has approximately one million mayoral candidates on the ballot thanks to this. OK, it is only 35 , but things are already getting super weird. For example, there's the guy who got kicked out of Minnesota's Occupy movement and has formed his own party -- Occupirate -- and is running as Captain Jack Sparrow. There's also candidate Jeff Wagner, the guy with the most train-wreck political ad ever, and you won't be able to stop watching.

Did you watch it? DID YOU WATCH IT? We have so many questions and feels about this.

Why does he ascend out of the water like Jesus or the Loch Ness monster?

Why is he carrying a coffee cup?

Is he wearing regular underwear instead of swim trunks?

Why does the announcer friendgirl proceed to play on her phone as he walks out of the water? Are we supposed to assume she is summoning him via her phone and that is a magic power of...him? her? her phone?

Should the good people of Minneapolis, of which yr humble writer is one, vote for this dude? The pirate? Write in our mom?

How many dudebros will vote for this guy because he just stone cold swears and yells?

What is the point of explaining he will not go to strip clubs ANYMORE? Is he thinking that if he doesn't make this disclaimer, the citizens of Minneapolis will be concerned that the mayoral salary is being converted into cocaine for convenient snorting off of the backside of strippers? Actually, that might not be so bad in a mayor, come to think of it.

Most important, is there an iPhone app we can use to scrub our eyes, because we really fucking need one now.