It must be so hard to be John McCain these days, which is excellent news for John McCain because everything is, that is the law. President “That One” is still running around being president, if you can believe it, like some kind of guy who got elected president. And one of Johnny’s BFFs, Joe Lieberman, is no longer winking at him from across the Senate aisle and accompanying him on romantic getaways to countries we have bombed or would like to bomb. Don’t even get us started on that poker game the other day. The worst!
But now that McCain is thiiiiiiiiis close to getting that war on Syria he’s wanted for years, he’s in a real pickle. On the one hand, yea! War! The president is going to let him press the red button and bomb all the countries. (McCain has always wanted to bomb all the countries. Also, a pony.) And yet, McCain does not care for that Obama fellow one bit, no sir. Whatever shall he do? Let us don our gas masks and take a trip through the twisted mind that is John McCain to figure out how to end up at YEA WAR! and also IMPEACH! Think it can’t be done? Let’s see:
- John McCain has always wanted war with Eastasia. Er, Syria. Whatever. If there is a war to be had, you know McCain wants it. In fact, he was calling for “renewed focus on what partial military operations might be considered to protect civilian lives in Syria” back in 2011, before it was cool. He’s a trendsetter.
- Naturally, the president’s refusal to bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb
IranSyria was a “green light” that led directly to Assad using chemical weapons (maybe, we don’t know for sure because the gubmint keeps telling us there is indisputable proof, which is usually the first sign that maybe there is not, but then, hey, we’re still a little cynical from that one time we went into Iraq to go get them WMDs what the gubmint said were most definitely there and yet they were not there and we went into Iraq for basically no reason, not even cheap oil because Christ, have you filled up your gas tank recently?) Even though McCain has been telling the president to do war to Syria RIGHT NOW, the president did not do war to Syria, and this made McCain very angry. (See also: butterflies, the sun rising in the east, being reminded of Sarah Palin.)
- But finally the president said (more or less), “Okay, John. Sigh. We will do war to Syria. Happy now?” And of course John McCain was happy and said, “Thank you, sir, it’s just what I wanted. You are a good and great man.” HA! Just kidding, obviously!
Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) said Wednesday that he doesn’t support the Senate’s version of the resolution to authorize force in Syria, MSNBC’s Kasie Hunt reported on air.
Huh, isn’t that so strange? Here he is, finally getting that war he’s been snarling for since forever, and now he’s suddenly turned into a peacenik? Oh, no, wait that’s not it. It’s that McCain does not want to support a war unless it is a really BIG war because those are the very best kind. No half-assed mamby pamby wars for him, thank you very much. Like, if you’re not going to put boots on the ground and really run up the death toll, what is even the point, amirite?
- But on the other hand, McCain really does want that war. And if we do NOT do that war, it would be bad. How bad? “Seriously bad.” Oh lord, not “seriously bad”! That’s the worst kind of bad there is! Which is why McCain insisted that the Senate MUST vote to do war to Syria. Not McCain, mind you, because he was going to hold out until President Pussyfoot promised to make it a real nice big war, but, you know, everyone else in the Senate should do that.
- But then, surprise! John McCain voted for that resolution after all! Hooray! That really caught us all by surprise, because no one could have imagined that McCain — after snarling and stamping his feet and threatening to hold his breath until he turns blue, and until the Resolution To War On Syria was beefed up to make it extra war-y — would vote for war. (Sorry, John Kerry, we do not mean war because it is definitely NOT a war, just a “limited action that will degrade the capacity of a tyrant who has been using chemical weapons to kill his own people.”)
- But then, surprise! McCain hinted — in that he outright said — the president will be impeached if he puts boots on the ground, even though John Kerry said there will NOT be boots on the ground. (Except for maybe, but let’s not talk about that right now, and let’s definitely not talk about the just-in-case plan to train the rebels, which seems sort of on-the-ground to us, but maybe we will just do it remotely by making them watch YouTube videos?) Why would John McCain want to impeach President Obama for doing exactly what John McCain said President Obama should do? Well, let’s see: Is he a Republican? YES! Is he an asshole? DUH! There, that explains it nicely and thoroughly, doesn’t it?.
- And finally (for now but you can bet all your poker chips that there will be so much more), because there can be no call for doing war to
Iraq IranWhereeverthefuck McCain feels like warring today without Joe Lieberman and/or Lindsey Graham dutifully nodding along:At this point, we would like to ask who the asshole was who wanted to know what Joe Lieberman thought? Was it YOU? Because goddamnit, we are still trying to get the Satan’s ass flavor of him out of our brains, and so far, all this bleach isn’t working.
And there you have it, America. How to threaten to impeach the very president who is giving you exactly what you want, in a whole bunch of really convoluted steps. Hooray, we did it!
While Yr Wonkette’s official editorial policy on Syria is ???????? (even though your humble blogger’s personal official editorial policy is Fuck War. The End.), we hope we have sufficiently Wonksplained to you that no matter how you feel about Syria, John McCain can most definitely go fuck himself in the ear. You’re welcome.