Too much Nice Time got you down? Well don’t worry kids, here is the Washington Post’s Richard Cohen to sexplain all you ever wanted to know about how Miley Cyrus raped that poor girl in Steubenville. Hmmm. Rape. Pop culture. Womyn things. Do you suppose there will be a single sentence — fuck it, a single word — that is not HOLY FUCKBALLS RICHARD COHEN? Hahaha, maybe one? Let us see if we can find it, together!
Hmmmm, is this a sentence that will not cause our eyeballs to fall out of our skulls and roll under the fridge to be chewed up by cock-a-roaches?
The first thing you should know about the so-called Steubenville Rape is that this was not a rape involving intercourse.
Nope! Not that one! How about this?
The next thing you should know is that there weren’t many young men involved — just two were convicted.
Well, if just two young men were convicted of not-intercoursing a passed-out young girl with their fingers and their dicks (but NOT INTERCOURSELY) and their urine and whatnot, then, really, can you even call it a gang rape? It’s more of like a doubles-tennis situation, wouldn’t you say? FIFTEEN-LOVE!
The next thing you should know is that just about everything you do know about the case from TV and the Internet was wrong. One medium fed the other, a vicious circle of rumor, innuendo and just plain lies. It made for marvelous television.
So, we have just read The New Yorker story on which Cohen bases his assumptions in this here column, and it does not seem to say that to us? Like, it says things got exaggerated and tensions were high, but it does not say this was not a rape involving intercourse, or that only two men were involved, or even that everything you heard on the Internet was lies?
That is so weird.
So now back to Miley Cyrus and her twerking. I run the risk of old-fogeyness for suggesting the girl’s a tasteless twit — especially that bit with the foam finger. (Look it up, if you must.) But let me also suggest that acts such as hers not only objectify women but debase them. They encourage a teenage culture that has set the women’s movement back on its heels. What is being celebrated is not sexuality but sexual exploitation, a mean casualness that deprives intimacy of all intimacy. Cyrus taught me a word. Now let me teach her one: She’s a twerk.
Listen, young ladies! Richard Cohen wants you to know that you are responsible for your own casual debasement and sexploitation! Because if you like doing sex and being sexy, boys in Steubenville will not-intercourse-you in a non-gang-rape of only two people so does it really even matter! Stop diddling yourselves with giant foam fingers and GO TO YOUR ROOMS.
Leave the sexual debasement to Richard Cohen please.
Huh, we do not seem to have found a sentence or word that does not make us want to go all Judith on a certain elder statesman of the Washington Post. Let us look harder.
There it is.