Happy anniversary, America! Light your Jahrzeit candle, because today is the five-year anniversary of the day John McCain got all mavericky and picked Sarah Palin’s well-jogged ass off a Google image page of lady GOPers to be his co-loser in the 2008 presidential election! We sure have had a lot of laughs since then, haven’t we, America? Mostly at Sarah’s expense, but occasionally at the expense of her terrible potty-mouthed gay-slurring children and even conceived-in-sin gay-slurring grandchildren too! Let us take a trip (the travel kind, not the stupid name of Bristol’s little baby) down memory lane but probably quit midway because that is what mavericky mavericks do, you betcha also too also, as well!
- It all started back on Aug. 29, 2008, when John McCain was all, “Hey ladies who wanted Hillary but did not get Hillary, here is another lady who also has a vagina, maybe you will vote for her instead even though she is nothing like Hillary except that she also has a vagina! Go mavericks!”
- It did not take the basement-dwelling bloggers very long — like, oh, maybe six seconds — to be all, “Hey, John, did you mean to pick that governor of Alaska, what is in the middle of an ethics investigation?”
- And then, about six seconds after that, we found out that Palin was going to be a grandma, which did not seem possible because Palin had always taught her children to abstain from the sexytime until they had a proper hillbilly wedding, and none of them had hillbilly wedding’d yet, so how could any of them possibly be pregnant unless it was immaculate conception maybe, like Jesus, except no, it turns out it was just drunken out-of-wedlock, going-to-hell “fuckin’ redneck” sextyime. However, with a reality TV show about how she’s just like any normal high school dropout teen mom and a book tour about how awful glad she is that she “chose life” after she “chose to get knocked up,” Bristol has revirginized herself and is now free to lecture the president on why every child deserves a mother and a father unless the father is Levi Johnston, so we can just strike all that stuff from the record.
- Then there was the most excellent interview with Charlie Gibson, where she explained how she would “perhaps” do war to Russia, about which she is an expert because she can see it from her house. (Okay, okay, she did not say she can see it from her house — that was a Saturday Night Live skit — but she DID basically say she knows all about them thar Ruskies because you can see Russia from Alaska, which is dumb enough for us.
- And then there was that gotcha journalism interview with Katie Couric, where Katie totally tricked Palin into being an illiterate idiot.
It all went downhill from there, of course. Palin succeeded in destroying any chance McCain had at winning the election — which, to be fair to her, was … oh, let’s see, five times never plus three is … right, ZERO to begin with. But there was still so, so, SO many more funtimes to come with the lipsticked hockey mom from Alaska’s meth capital: the way she so spectacularly quit her job governing Alaska on America’s almost-birthday because jobs are for suckers and dead fish; her history lesson about how Paul Revere was “ringing those bells” to warn the British not to take away our guns; that time she made the shooting of Rep. Gabby Giffords all about how libruls were blood libeling her because goddamnit isn’t everything about her always every time?; that weird family bus tour thingy she did and then quit halfway through because the gods of comedy demanded it; her on-again, off-again relationship with Fox “News,” and pretty much everything else Sarah ever does and says because it is all awesome and wonderful and we love it, and we love you, and we don’t even wish we could quit you because SARAH FOREVAH!
Congratulations, madam, we thought your 15 minutes would be over long before now, but we are awful glad you are still here making us laugh. Here’s to another five years. Or two and a half. Whatever. Also.