Disgruntled Republican Sues GOP For $50 Or 90 Million, A Law School Education, A Secure 'Boarder' And A Meeting With Meghan McCain

 This is pretty much the best thing ever. You should read all of it, you really really should, but we shall sum up for you.

Cody A. Fitch, a self-described "ABA Certified Paralegal" and lifelong Republican residing in Orange County, California, is suing the bejesus out of the "Republican Party of the USA" for ... well ... oh, lots of things. Even though the party "has received over 3,000 emails" and "over 10 years' worth of phone calls, directives, orders and requests" from Mr. Fitch, it has breached its duty to him and "has never professional contacted me with regards to anything I have said to them." Guess the party just isn't that into him?

But the party has also been negligent in other respects:

The Republican Party as my contracted corporation for politics has a duty to care for me and make sure lam not in harm's way in the macro political environment; just like they have a duty to every single Republican. The Republican party is in breach of that duty in the market place as a macro political corporation breach of duty and violation of professional duties.

Naturally, the Republican Party's various breaches and failures have caused extensive damage to Mr. Fitch, including "the loss of the Plaintiff's plan to have a huge family and a good career, and bring forth many great children and future republican voters into this world." And it gets even worse for poor Mr. Fitch:

The Plaintiff at time is so lonely due to loss of career and inability to find a job cause of the market place being too heavy with competition. That he has now become so distressed he is harassing people for jobs; which has got him a record cause of that; where now his record has cost him the loss of his civil rights, the rights to bear arms due to the harassment.

Not only that, but "the Republican Party has also failed to stem around 500,000 a year criminal Liberal World Party migrants job taken." What does that mean? We do not know, but it sounds awful bad. We almost sympathize with the downtrodden Mr. Fitch and are rooting for him to get his way, not because he's a sympathetic character, mind you, but because what he is seeking as payment for all his suffering is just SO. FREAKIN'. AWESOME.

First, Mr. Fitch would like "to meet with Meghan McCain through a court, a center right Republican Icon, to talk about what she thinks about the political party and what should be done about the breach of duty." We think he should totally get that, as long as it is livestreamed, because we would also like to hear Meghan McCain explain her party.

Mr. Fitch would also like "$50 million dollars in punitive damages." That seems reasonable, so we don't know why he had to get all greedy, a few paragraphs later, and demand $90 million instead. Plus, he would like the party -- we are not clear if that is, like, the entire Republican Party -- to meet him at an airport. Why?

So I can fly to Germany to prepare to return and be more active in the Republican Party. Where I have plans to learn how to speak German as I believe 80 million Republican US citizens speak German in the USA. While also learn to be the world's most powerful economic warfare director for the world rightist parties. I also need a trainer to teach me LSAT, German language, etiquette, cooking, and proper republican right wing authority, and stocks and bonds.

Oh, well, that makes sense.

Mr. Fitch would like a few other basic things: "a Republican etiquette class"; a secure "boarder"; $90,000 so he can attend law school; and finally:

Then I want a movie script for me and my African American honky cousin. I would like to play in Blazing Saddles with him for his first starring role and many other funny as all movies.

Well, that certainly settles it for us, although perhaps you're barking up the wrong party if you want a movie career and should file suit against Hollywood liberals instead?

Wedidtry to do investigative journamalism to determine whether Mr. Fitch is a seriously ill man (being a member of the Republican Party sort of suggests that on its own) or a comedian. In fact, we tried to do the Google to him, but all we found was Andy Kaufman.

Regardless, best of luck to you, Mr. Fitch, in your lawsuit. We really really REALLY, no seriously we mean it, hope you prevail.

[ The Volokh Conspiracy ]