Canadian Ted Cruz Shocked -- Shocked! -- To Learn He Is Canadian

 
 Ivy-league graduate andHarvard Law Revieweditor Ted Cruz is a startling example of how a Grade A Dumbass can become a U.S. Senator. From Texas, but it still counts.

Apparently, despite attending Princeton for undergrad and Harvard for law school, this guy had no idea that being born in Canada makes one a Canadian citizen, even though he himself was that guy who was born in Canada and was therefore a Canadian citizen. If only there was some sort of World Wide InterConnected Web of Electronic Pages one could consult to learn about these things. Someone should get on that.

Well, the dual-citizen is finally unburdening himself of his Canadian heritage , allowing him to proudly declare that he is an American and only an American. Per The Hill:  

“Now the Dallas Morning News says that I may technically have dual citizenship,” Cruz said in a statement. “Assuming that is true, then sure, I will renounce any Canadian citizenship.”

Although technically, you are still a giant asshole, but we aren’t sure there is a form you can fill out to renounce that.

Now there are many things wrong with this very short statement. First of all, the Dallas Morning News does not confer citizenship to Canada or any other country. The Canadian government, which passed a law in 1947, says that you are a Canadian citizen. As a fancy-pants lawyer, we figured that you knew the difference between a news outlet and a sovereign government, but hey, we all have knowledge gaps.

Second, don’t Senators have a staff of like 50 kids who slobber all over every word they say? Did no one, at any point, raise this issue before he released his Canadian birth certificate? Should one seriously try to run for President when one can’t even figure out their own citizenship status? Is his staff that incompetent that not one single person raised this as a possible issue, and maybe thought that they should check? Seriously, Cruz should fire everyone that works for him, including himself, for gross negligence and dumbfuckery.

According to Politico ,

Cruz said on the “Laura Ingraham Show” Monday morning, “I will admit I find the tizzy in the media a little bit amusing — the fact that the New York Times is this hysterical after my being in office only a few months.”

No one is really in a tizzy here. We just find it amusing that a U.S. Senator with Presidential ambitions was born in another country, and apparently that is all fine and dandy with the Tea Party crowd, despite that crowd being in a legitimate 'tizzy,' full of actual lawsuits, over our current President who was born in America.

Finally, a note to The Hill and other outlets that are trying to say that this controversy is in any way related to the ‘birther’ movement trying to discredit our Kenyan Usurper. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING THE SAME. No one disputes where Ted Cruz was born, and the Constitution is actually unclear as to whether dual-citizens can become President. As Aaron Blake at WaPo points out, no one on the left is claiming that Ted Cruz is part of a crazy conspiracy to defraud the American public… we just think he is a rude, generally unlikeable shithead, and we enjoy laughing at his dumb transparent lies.

We look forward to a forthcoming Senate resolution to change the name of Canadian bacon to Freedom bacon, because why not.

[ The Hill / Politico / Washington Post ]