Hitherto Undiscovered Wingnut Sarah Hoyt Makes Strong Wonkette Debut With Kirk Douglas Fanfic

Folks, we are pleased as punch to introduce the newest member of yr Wonkette family, a brand new bouncing baby wingnut named Sarah Hoyt. She's picture perfect right out the gate. Robert Heinlein quote? Check. Distressingly aged homemade website? Check. Self-published science fiction writer? Check. One million word arglebargle post about how we are living in the end times/1984/Obama empire and she will stand for it no longer because she is Spartacus?? Check, check, check and oh HELL YEAH CHECK.

Seriously, this thing is a multi-headed hydra of horrible. We keep trying to figure out where to start, but then we stare into the void of this post and don't come to our senses until a few hours later. It's the blogpost equivalent of smoking weed that is kind of terrible and gives you that back-of-your-eyelids headache but you smoke it anyway because it is there. It's "why are you hitting yourself" come to bloglife. We just can't even.

Kudos to our new pet angerbear (isn't she just the cutest thing you ever did see?) for starting out with a nice take on the beloved classic wingnut fantasy wherein their fevered monkey typewriter banging is actually a brave stand against the Evil Empire for which they will likely be killed.

"I’m fully aware that even in this battle of the mind the consequences can be death or worse. I’m fully aware that once you identify as an enemy of the utopia to come -- or even if you just fall in a category they don’t like -- there are a million ways for death to come: in the dark of night, with a bullet to the back of the head, like the Polish officers in the Katyn forest; in public trials like the people who thought “if only Stalin knew”; in the despair of an engineered famine like the victims of the holomodor."

Yeah, we had to look up what a holomodor is. Man-made Ukranian famine, in case you're too lazy to clicky-click. Listen, lady, we are pretty sure even if Bamz is shooting, framing, or starving your kind, you are probably pretty far down the list. It will take Obummer quite a while to kill off, say, the entire staff of FoxNews, by which point you can likely be in hiding.

We are pretty in love with this post, but there's a little too much foreplay before we get to the really really good parts. We already had to hear about how she gonna get killed for blogging. How about now we hear about how she is Spartacus because of college freshman philosophy class? 

"I am Spartacus because our institutions are being corrupted, our system of checks and balances ignored, and we’re being ruled by Imperial Dictate by a blind man who sees the world through instruments and his instrument is an ideology made of Hegelian dialectic and fury signifying nothing and leading to death."

Do you think she entered some sort of contest where she was required to jam as many Big Thinker tropes into one sentence? If so, she is a stone cold winner.

Enough pussy-footing around. Why is she really Spartacus? Because of Benghazi and Fast and Furious and that fucking rodeo clown that these people will not shut the fuck up about.

"I am Spartacus because a Rodeo Clown CAN laugh at the king. As can we all. As SHOULD we all.

"I am Spartacus because of a bloodied handprint on the wall of an embassy in Benghazi. I am Spartacus because four men were abandoned to die, and might have been set up to do so.

"I am Spartacus because of 300 and some murdered Mexicans so the precious flowers in DC could prove their false-but-accurate inner truth in the ridiculous, vile plot that was Fast and Furious."

We haven't the vaguest idea what "false-but-accurate inner truth in the ridiculous" means, but if this sort of prose styling has made its way into her books, we are mos def not reading those. Speaking of prose stylings, we've spent hundreds of words burying the lede, because we really could have just quoted the end of this sucker to give you the best part:

"I am Spartacus because Fast and Furious.

"I am Spartacus because Benghazi.

"I am Spartacus because Fast and Furious.

"I am Spartacus because Benghazi.

"To stop the crazy train, to preserve as much as I can of the greatest nation the world has ever known, I Am Spartacus.

"To this end I pledge my life, my fortune and my sacred honor."

Sarah Hoyt, it will be kinda hard for you to stop the crazy train when you are driving it.

We are yr Wonkette because of Jim Hoft. 

We are yr Wonkette because of Sarah Palin. 

We are yr Wonkette because of Jennifer Rubin. 

And now we are for SURE yr Wonkette because of Sarah Hoyt. Welcome to the family, Sarah!

[ According to Hoyt   hat tip to  Roy Edroso ]