Hey ‘Merica! We’ve certainly had some complex conversations about surveillance lately. Go us! USA! USA! We’ve discussed whether Bamz has betrayed progressives, whether we want to make sweet sweet love to travelin’ man Edward Snowden, (though not if we are dudes because Russia frowns on the gay sexing), or whether we feel like meh, someone is always watching us so suck it up, princess.
Fuck all that. Fuck your complex discussions and your deep thinking and all your secular nonsense. The real thing you need to be considering is how all of this searchin’, seizin’, and surveillin’ is because Obama is possessed by demons:
As “Dr. Chaps” explained today, there is a “Satanic, evil spirit” of “hiding” and “secrecy” that is behind the NSA program, just as there is a demon of tyranny that is using President Obama to oppress Americans.
“Father in Heaven, we pray against the domestic enemies of the Constitution,” [Gordon] Klingenschmitt proclaimed; “against the demon of tyranny who is using the White House occupant and that demonic spirit is oppressing us”
We are kinda sorta curious about why this dude, Gordon Klingenschmitt, goes by “Dr. Chaps” but we are also too kind of terrified to find out the reason so not gonna. Terrifying nickname or no, we’re glad he’s showing us the light about Demon Obama. Apparently the good doctor sees demons in lots of things, including stuff that never actually happened:
The most recent evidence of this fact is the story of Derrick Hayes, a high school runner in Texas who was allegedly disqualified from an event for thanking God after winning a race…Hayes and his family admit that he was not disqualified because of his faith…But just because the supposed victim of this tale of persecution admits that it is not true, that is not about to stop “Dr. Chaps” Gordon Klingenschmitt from using it in his latest prayer update or his “Pray in Jesus Name” television program where he claimed that Hayes was disqualified because “demonic spirits” had possessed the race officials.
Damn, son. Those demon spirits are BUSY. They have to get at everyone from Big Bamz all the way down to random people that are stuck watching over gangly teenagers running in circles. They also infest the gays, but only after gays are turned into gays by clever marketing, but then they leave the gays and go into animals. Either those demons have some serious stamina, or there are a metric fuckton of demons working around the USA. You are probably infected with demons (do you get infected? infested? invested? somehow demons get inside you, we guess) right now, which is leading you to waste your day reading Wonkette. We’d tell you to cast those suckers out, but we really really need the page views, so please stay possessed.