Dear Anthony Weiner,
Sorry to be rappin’ at ya in the form of an open letter, as those are kind of whatever, lame, but considering what could happen if you actually had our contact information, we will just keep this in a nice public place. We say that because you are gross.
Now. Anthony. Baby. Bubbeh. Are you okay? Do you need a cold compress for your forehead? Would you like to sit down? We ask because WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN GOING ON WITH YOU ARE YOU RUNNING FOR MAYOR OF CRAZYTOWN???!!!
Why are you being super rude to very nice, earnest reporters? Why are you calling people Grandpa — like, in a mean way — at AARP forums? Why — with 10 percent in the polls, which is basically in the margin of error of ZERO PERCENT IN THE POLLS — ARE YOU STILL IN THIS FUCKING RACE?
Here is the deal. Nobody wanted to see your cock. Our friends are lusty supple lasses who are not averse to some kinky shit — and no you cannot have their digits — and THEY don’t want to see your cock. Everybody knows of like one woman who likes getting cock shots, but she is an urban legend, like your sister’s babysitter’s mom knows her. Nobody actually knows her firsthand, because she does not actually exist.
But you sent your cock around, okay, because you are stupid, we get it. Then you KEPT DOING IT even after you got caught and were made a national laughingstock and everybody went, “well, that is a person with a fucking raging Id in dire need of a Superego and if he is not able to control his need to make everyone in the nation party to his jackoff seshes … and wait, didn’t his mom ever teach him about certain touches being healthy and normal but you need to save that for PRIVATE TIME?” Because we told our son that when he was THREE.
And now you are just being so so rude to everyone, and we are sure you are under a lot of pressure, and there is totally one way out of that pressure, and that is to quit this fershluggineh campaign to spend more time with your family, around that love-warmed hearth.
Oh right. Okeydokey, carry on.