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step 9: buy more eye shadowSydney Leathers has provided a rare emotional roller coaster for Your Wonket. First we were all :D Then we were like :( and then we were like :( but with tears which we do not know how to do with emoticons and now we are like fuck it, you go gurl get out of Indiana carpe your shit! But also maybe your tips for how to have so much power and money by sexting dudes who do not even care to get you off (because politicians) are kind of dumb and you are not like that great of A Expert and also you don’t do logic too good because you give examples of stuff you are talking about but then your examples of stuff you are talking about don’t really line up with the stuff you are talking about to be examples of them and maybe XOJane should have given you A Editor, but whatever who cares, cause Anthony Weiner said “h/t Elvis Costello,” and that is fucking prime. Let’s get to it!

Preamble: I Am Not A War Criminal.

Yes, I’ve made thousands of dollars from sugar daddies.

So?

Oh, Sydney. This is starting off bad, and maybe you should feel bad. Like, yay sex-positivity! Yay sexworkers’ rights and stuff! But the second you say “sugar daddies” instead of the more honest “johns,” that is like the opposite of feminism probably we guess ugh.

So you have slapped Maureen Dowd for not knowing anything about feminism (you are probably correct). What can you teach us about feminism today?

1. Feed Their Ego, Because Feminism.

It’s important to pretend like you’re thinking about them 24/7 throughout the day. They want to be coddled like a baby. Basically, pretend like you’re dating the middle school version of yourself. Like the prepubescent horny teenage girl with all these emotions. Lovey dovey bullshit, basically. Little stuff like “I’m thinking about you” or “I miss you.”

For example:

Dangr33: I love to think about how you look fresh out of bed, getting dressed, all dolled up. seeing the stuff only your lover would see.

Sydney: I’m sure you’ll get to see it all someday :)

SYDNEY! “I’m sure you’ll get to see it all someday” is NOT AN EXAMPLE of “I’m thinking about you” or “I miss you.” Couldn’t you even be bothered to go through your old sexts and find one that says, for example, “I miss you” or “I am like a prepubescent horny teenage girl with all these emotions”? Dude, we could go into our phone RIGHT NOW and pull out five sexts about “I miss you” and “I am like a prepubescent horny teenage girl with all these emotions.” COME ON.

2. Be Coy, For Feminism.

Dangr33: did you let a boy take off your party dress? (h/t elvis costello)

Sydney: Nope. I was a good girl.

H/T what the fuck are you even talking about, just saying “good girl” does not make it coy. But then we are not that good at coy either, so you probably couldn’t pull any “coy” out of our phone, so whatever.

3. Don’t Be Aggressive, But Be Be Aggressive, Like A Cheerleader (Of Feminism).

For example:
Dangr33: If I met you at a bar and tried to talk to you, would I have a chance?

Sydney: Absolutely! You’re such an amazing man. I still can’t believe someone like you would pay attention to someone like me. It’s literally a dream come true.

He made the first move. You did not make the first move. But your whole number three is about making the first move. Sydney, we are starting to think there is something wrong with your brains. :(

4. Exploit His Weaknesses, All Men Must Die (Dworkin/MacKinnon-Styley Feminism).

Wait maybe two days before responding. Don’t respond to anything immediately, ever. Even if you get it immediately, don’t respond.

For Example:
Dangr33: you sure do run hot and cold. is that like a thing? been mia. not the over rated sri lankan rapper.

Sydney: I’m sorry. I’ve been very stressed out. I miss you though. I want you in my life every single day.

Yeah, okay, maybe we will try that, except for the gross part at the end.

Blah blah blah we cannot even finish the other four, because “have gross old men buy you shit and send you muneez” and “find a man who likes online hot chicks and then be an online hot chick” are sort of like the “how to make a million dollars step one get a million dollars” of this bullshit nonsense in search of a Buzzfeed story.

:(

[XOJane]

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