Selfish Jerk Debbie Wasserman Schultz Has Personal Ambitions, Thinks She's A Man

Bitches, man. Always thinking of themselves, always putting their own ambitions first. Don't you just hate that? Don't you just despise the way women are always ruthlessly promoting their own careers, never thinking of others, never giving of themselves, never --

Oh fuck it, we can't even finish that fake sentence. Let's just get to the vomit-inducing pile o' zebra shit du jour :

Debbie Wasserman Schultz spent 18 months slogging through 885 events in 31 states to boost President Barack Obama’s chances for reelection.

Now, she is planning to employ the nearly unrivaled Rolodex she’s built to turn it into political muscle in the Capitol — for herself.

FOR HERSELF?!?! She's going to use the political connections she's made as chair of the Democratic National Committee to help advance her own career in politics -- for the first time EVER, because no one in politics is ever looking to advance their careers or use their connections? (Also, sidenote: What up with "Rolodex," Politico? Rolodex? Really? Not even a mid-last decade reference like "Hotmail address book"? Sheesh.) It's unheard of. It's so gauche. It's simply not done, dahling. What next -- she's going to piss in the punch bowl at the next Democratic Party soiree?

Obscenely ambition DWS (as she is known among those who find typing to be, like, so oppressive, man) doesn't even have the decency to be shy about how she doesn't even give a good goddamn about the rest of her party; she's just in it for her. Of course, we've long known she is "not a lady," but this is really beyond the pale.

It’s not clear what Wasserman Schultz wants — she pointedly wouldn’t rule out running for leadership, governor or senator.

Oh mygawd. She might want to run for higher office? Who does this uppity chick think she is? Barack Obama? No one has ever run for office and then refused to rule out running for even higher office? Unheard of! Unacceptable! Unpossible!

Naturally, the army of anonymous eye-rollers and naysayers, who may or may not have penises but most likely definitely do, are at the ready with their condemnations of her selfishness.

“This is unbelievable. So much for supporting the president or electing Democrats,” said a top Democratic political adviser. “She was honest that this is about her.”

Ugh. She doesn't even know enough about politics (it ain't beanbag, you know) to be shy about wanting to be successful. Do you understand nothing, woman? Here, let some more anonymous Democrats -- who obviously care only about the party, which is why they're anonymously trashing the head of it -- speak some more words about what a terrible person DWS is.

One senior Democratic source said the White House was “absolutely outraged” by Wasserman Schultz’s comments in Politico.

What were those oh-so-egregious comments that has set the entire Democratic Party on its head, absolutely devastated to discover that, for the first time EVER in the history of history, there is a member of the party who is forthright about her political ambitions?

“We thought with the higher profile I have at the DNC, and the donor relationships I’ve been able to build — and thankfully, a lot of people who want to help me be successful, because we share the same goals. We kind of put the leadership PAC on steroids. That’s the best way to describe it.”

BURN HER!

Another said Democrats in the House were just as upset. The source pointed to the number of “I, me or my” statements in the interview and said it reads like Wasserman Schultz thinks “others in leadership now don’t exist.”

“It’s a fucking car wreck,” said a third prominent Democrat.

She used "I" statements? Doesn't she know politicians are never, EVER allowed to talk about themselves? That's, like, the first rule of Politics Club. BURN HER!

At least the party is still mostly dominated by men -- selfless, humble men -- who never talk about themselves, who never dare to think about just how far their ambitions can take them, because they don't have any. Thankgodevery other card-carrying Democrat in America is concerned only with the success of their colleagues, never giving a thought to how to protect themselves, how to get re-elected, how to preserve popularity with their own constituents. That's why you never see Democrats -- like these five guys, yes,guys-- voting against their own party, to, oh, say, hypothetically because it would never happen in real life, repeal Obamacare. That's why we never saw that asshat and now former Rep. Bart Stupak hold the entire health care reform deal hostage in order to get an anti-choice (and, you know, anti-Democratic Party platform) amendment shoved into the deal. That's why former chair of the DNC Terry McAuliffe immediately went into permanent hiding after his term and never used his connections and opportunities to run for, oh, say, governor of Virginia.

That's why Joe Lieberman never existed.

Obviously, DWS does not know her place and does not understand how this politics game thingy works (even though she kinda sorta did an awesome kick-ass job running the DNC in 2012, when Democrats held on to and even picked up seats that were seemingly destined for the loser column, so she must kinda sorta understand some stuff but who cares, she's a selfish bitch, let's focus on that). Maybe some brave Democrat of the penis-having persuasion could sit the little lady down and 'splain to her how it all works and how she's not supposed to use "I" statements and she shouldn't put people's contact information in a storage device of some sort (seriously, Politico, Rolodex? We are still shaking our heads at that one), and she shouldn't think about raising her profile, and she shouldn't even consider how her leadership of the Democratic Party might have created new opportunities for her because that's not what politics is about. At least, not for the ladies.

[ Politico / Buzzfeed ]