Secret Conservative Group 'Groundswell' Plotted World Domination Through Unbeatable Combination Of Hashtags And Whining

David Corn has a big scoopy scoop today and it is a dose of pure, uncut, unadulterated schadenfreude injected directly into our veins. And we hate needles! Still, we shot up and our eyes rolled back in our head and we went slack and drooled on ourselves, and within ten minutes or so we were ready for more. Schadenfreude is a helluva drug.

There is just so much good stuff in this tale of Groundswell, a collection of intellectual luminaries of conservatism like, uh, Frank Gaffney, John Bolton, Clarence Thomas's wife Ginni Thomas, and tube of chocolate-chip cookie dough lookalike Matt Boyle. The group began meeting earlier this year in the offices of Judicial Watch to plot public-relations strategies and drive conservative messaging and talking points. Because the problem with conservatism in this day and age is simply the packaging, so let’s get the most batshit crazy conservatives working on changing the package!

Let us look at some highlights and enter our schadenfreude coma together:

• The group discussed how best to oppose the confirmation of Tom Perez, President Obama’s nominee for Labor Secretary, including publicizing his alleged support for the Muslim Brotherhood and sharia law, and his being “extremely antagonistic toward whites." Groundswell ended this meeting by joining hands and singing "We Shall Overcome."

• Pushing Twitter hashtags like #Can’tTrustObama, #PoliticsOverPublicSafety, and #GreatDivider. Because Twitter is where you win the #WAR.

• In trying to figure out how to better win the messaging battle against progressives, one Groundsweller wrote in a memo, "We must reclaim the language and put 'a face' on our messages; tell stories. Write articles on 4th grade level!" Which is an awfully ambitious level for this band of shitwits.

• Pushing the phrase “Fredrick Douglas (sic) Republican” with minorities to counter the impression that terms like “Tea Party” and “conservative” have become the equivalent of saying “racism.” We think the term “Frederick Douglas Republican” is the equivalent of saying “I am an ignoramus who does not really understand Frederick Douglass or nineteenth-century history,” but we’re lib-tarded.

• A plan to pants Karl Rove, give him multiple swirlies, hang him by his underwear from a hook in the locker room, and send him home to his mommy with tears rolling down his chubby cheeks.

• Matt Boyle offered using his position as a “reporter” at Breitbart to push the conservative agenda: "I'm saying we can get pieces out fast on Breitbart. Whenever you have an idea, email or call me with a pitch and I'll do my best to get the story out there. Keep us on offense, them on defense. Even if the idea isn't perfect, I can help massage it to get there." As a reminder, the crew at Dead Andy’s Graveyard for Functional Brain Cells once thought it disgraceful that journalists would coordinate political messaging. In fact, Groundswell seems to be everything the right once accused JournoList of being. Bright side: no one ever again has to pretend that Matt Boyle is a journalist.

• Anita MonCrief, ACORN “whistleblower” who supposedly works closely with True the Vote, is a member of Groundswell. Just a reminder: True the Vote was one of the groups screaming the loudest about the IRS hassling it over its application for tax-exempt status as a non-political organization.

Any more of this and we’re going to need to find other veins and start wearing long-sleeve shirts even to the beach. Curse David Corn for breaking this story in July.

[ Mother Jones ]