there is no bryan only zuul

Oh Sure, Bryan Fischer Saved Kids From Demons This One Time


Here is a video of the American Patriarchy Association’s Bryan Fischer casually telling a story about a couple of encounters that he’s had with real actual demons. No big whoop, just another day for a Slayer. It’s part of a longer segment on his dumb radio show where he talks about the popular ghosty movie The Conjuring, which Fischer is pretty sure is a documentary about demons, only the movie foolishly calls ‘em “ghosts.” Bryan Fischer wants you to know that demons are real, and they are making children disobey their parents. Also, they will grab your leg at night, because the monster under your bed is real.

First, we hear about this one time when Fischer met “some children” (or maybe “a girl” — the other kids vanish in the middle of the narrative) who were normally just the nicest little sweethearts, but had suddenly become not merely disobedient, but “rebellious” against their parents, probably reading Wonkette and writing manifestoes and receiving arms from Hamas. Fischer looked into it:

And I would ask them if they’d experienced any demonic presences in their room; they had, and these demonic presences would tell them, “Look, if you don’t disobey your parents, I’m gonna hurt them. If you don’t disobey your parents, I’m gonna kill them.” And so the girl was frightened then, out of her love for her parents, wanted to protect them, frightened into disobeying them, and once we dealt with the demonic spirits, and took authority over them, then that problem was resolved and it went away.

Never mind the vagueness of how he “dealt with” the demons — probably just a three-man team using standard GB-1 proton packs, taking care not to cross the streams — we’re impressed by Fischer’s awesome display of child-management skills: Kids causing trouble? Suggest to them that demons are to blame! Problem: solved.

Fischer also shares his own tale of attack by demons, telling about this one time at 2 in the morning — which is when all the witch coven bars close, and the witches all hook up and play D&D and send demons out into the night to do their bidding — when he felt something grab his ankle and it scared him really a lot, and he couldn’t even croak out the Name of Jesus because the demons had enchanted him, but once he said the Name of Jesus, that “broke off” the demonic encounter. Or he woke up, whatever. Again, we are just fascinated by how all this is supposed to work — if just thinking of Jebus is insufficient, does this mean that really smart demons are going after people with vocal cord damage?

It is good to finally have some hard data on Satan’s hellish servants at least. Now we know for sure that 1) They tell kids to misbehave; 2) they try to grab wingnut radio preachers by the ankle at night; and 3) the best demon-fighting advice comes from preschool: you have to Use Your Words.

[RightWingWatch via LittleGreenFootballs]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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