GOP: 'I Broke It, I Won't Fix It, But I Will Complain About It Being Broken To Get Re-Elected To Break It Some More'

As August settles in on Washington, D.C., like a warm, wet Satanic fart, Congresscritters are hightailing it out of town. For the ENTIRE MONTH. During this recess, they plan on talking at and "listening" to their constituents. How will the GOP convince people that they want to come back to Washington, D.C. year after year? The House GOP has a plan, according to Roll Call:  

When House Republicans retreat to their districts for the August recess, they will each be armed with a detailed guide — an exceptionally detailed guide — on how to assure their already convinced constituents that Washington is broken.

The best way to stay in Washington appears to be to deride Washington, and Republican leadership isn’t going to deviate from that familiar formula.

That’s right, sheeple. With a straight face, the House GOP, which has done more to break Washington that any other Congress in history, will go home and whine about how broken Washington is, and then beg to be sent back to Washington so they can continue to break it even more, so that they can then return home and rail about how broken Washington is. Sweet sweet logic. If you are experiencing low blood pressure, please join us as we dissect this plan after the jump.

How, exactly, will the GOP try to “blame Washington” for all the problems in the world, even though they themselves have the power to do something about it, and in fact, are likely causing many of the problems they are complaining about?

The first kit offers variations on an old Washington favorite: bashing Washington.

“Washington is out of control,” warns a “sample op-ed” titled “Fighting Washington for You.”

Naturally, it’s not the specific member of Congress’ fault.

Naturally. Of course it is not the fault of the GOP that Washington is out of control. After all, it was the GOP that caused the country to come to the brink of default, helped downgrade the country’s credit rating for the first time in history, and promises to hold the nation hostage unless it gets everything it wants, but it’s NOT their fault that there are problems in D.C. For crissakes, they have repealed Obamacare 8,563 times FOR FREEDOM. What more do you want?

The kit also suggests that members have town halls, to listen to people like Our Glorious Readers. Yr Wonkette highly recommends you attend and ask questions because we believe in democracy. Unfortunately, the GOP isn’t so much interested in what you have to say as they are in planting questions in the audience:

To get the conversation rolling in the right direction, the playbook suggests planting questions: “Prepare a few questions in advance in case the conversation slowly starts.”

“Invite at least 3-4 people with whom the member already has an established relationship,” the memo instructs. “This will strengthen the conversation and take it in a direction that is most beneficial to the member’s goal.”

So perhaps your question could be: “Did you plant questions in the audience to take the conversation in a direction you would want, because that seems like you don't care about our thoughts, which is the opposite of democracy?”

In addition to town halls, there should be Meet-Ups with specific demographics:

“Potential groups to organize Meetups around include women, Asian-Americans, Hispanic-Americans and millennials,” the kit explains.

Hahahaha. Yes, please meet with women and mansplain how their little minds are not capable of controlling their bodies, so you will do it for them. And Hispanic-Americans are another great group to meet with – perhaps you could ask how high they can climb, so you know how just how high to build that wall. For the millennials, ask for humorous jokes about how abortion is of the debbil , or ask how many gay friends and family they have condemned to hell this week.

Roll Call sums it up with one final piece of advice:

But whatever you do, just don’t remind voters you are part of that government.

[ Roll Call ]