A Weary America Rejoices, For A Royal Baby Is Born Unto Us

The world literally came to a stop this afternoon, ceasing to rotate on its axis as the entire universe and multiverses came to a breathless standstill to await the birth of the GREATEST ROYAL BABY IN INTERNET HISTORY. With a fanfare of trumpets and in labor pangs of ethereal beauty, America's Princess, Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge and Duke of Earl, brought forth a son, expected to be named, in the royal tradition, Two Dogs Fucking.

The holy infant is a mere three deaths away from getting his kingly dome stamped all over money from places his ancestors used to rule, way back when everything made sense, but is given only even odds of ascending to the throne, as  Queen Elizabeth is expected to simply not die, ever.  Commenters at The Daily Caller have already expressed interest in having the baby replace Barack Hussein Obama as President.

In honor of the Royal Tradition and the superiority of Great Britain, the Sun will not be allowed to set this evening, but will shine continually on the newborn babe, who was promptly wrapped in swaddling clothes and lain in a golden manger. A small child outside the Lindo Wing at St. Mary's Hospital was heard to remark, "That's what royal babies are all about, Charlie Brown."

As a gesture of transatlantic goodwill, the United States House of Representatives marked the occasion by voting to repeal Obamacare. As she cast her vote, Michele Bachmann said that if the royal baby had had to rely on socialized medicine, he would never have been born.

[ CNN ]