keep calm and derp on

A Children’s Treasury Of Thoughtful Reactions To The Zimmerman Verdict

We cannot facepalm enoughOh, hi, Wonkers, have you been kind of walking around all numb and glassy-eyed since George Zimmerman was acquitted of all charges on Saturday? Yr Wonkette has been wondering just how to make a “humor blog” in the midst of all this; we think we will just settle for things that make us stare, open-mouthed, at their complete cluelessness. Like maybe George Zimmerman’s idiot brother Robert, who has been going out of his way to seem like a far worse human being than the man who shot and killed Trayvon Martin. On Saturday night, shortly after the verdict, CNN’s Don Lemon asked Robert Zimmerman what could help with “healing the divide,” prompting this message of healing and hope:

I want to know what makes people angry enough to attack someone the way that Trayvon Martin did. I want to know if it is true, and I don’t know if it’s true, that Trayvon Martin was looking to procure firearms, was growing marijuana plants… I want to know that every minor, high-schooler, that would be reaching out in some way for help, and they may feel it’s by procuring firearms or whatever they may be doing, that they have some kind of help. I think that’s what George was trying to do when he mentored two black children.

Can you feel the healing, America? These kids who are confused, and maybe out to buy weapons or marijuana — and you never know,  was Trayvon Martin looking to join an al Qaeda cell that night? We’re only asking  – The point is, maybe you could mentor these mixed up kids, unless you meet them at night, when you may have to shoot them.

Elsewhere on the interwebs, since no actual riots were breaking out in the wake of the verdict, some geniuses decided it would be a good idea to circulate an old YouTube video of hockey fans rioting in Vancouver after the Canucks lost in the Stanley Cup finals, relabeling it “riots in Miami.” (The video has since been taken down.)  Astute observers pointed out that Miami is pretty much bereft of mountains. Among those taken in by the hoax was Stupidest Man On the Internet Jim Hoft, who tweeted, hours after Buzzfeed exposed the hoax:
There must be rioting somewhere

The link in the tweet ( which is still up at press time) goes to a story that Hoft has since deleted from the Gateway Pundit website, but thanks to the magic of Google cache, we can share Hoft’s excited condemnation of a thing that never happened:
Time to bash some heads

Rather than issue a correction, of course, Hoft just made it all go away, like the $3,150 that he owes us.

[Slate / Buzzfeed / Canada.com]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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