GUNS OR BUTTERBALL  2:12 pm July 10, 2013

Zimmerman Defense Team: Our Guy Is A Pudgy Loser So He Had To Shoot That Super-Fit Black Kid

by Doktor Zoom

This guy has an excuse to shoot all of usApparently basing their strategy on the old line about how God created man and Samuel Colt made them equal, George Zimmerman’s lawyers are arguing that Trayvon Martin was some kind of black superman who had to be shot because Zimmerman was a blobby tub of goo who couldn’t take the teen in a fair fight. No really, that is what they are saying! Prosecution Defense* witness Dennis Root, a “former law enforcement officer who testified as an expert on defensive use of force,” said so in court and everything, according to Fox News:

“Mr. Martin was a physically active and capable person,” said Root, who probed both Martin’s and Zimmerman’s physical conditioning and fighting prowess on behalf of the defense team. “Mr. Zimmerman is an individual who is by no stretch of the imagination an athlete, and … he would find himself lacking when compared to Mr. Martin.”

It is not known whether the wimp defense will win over the jury, but it is almost certain to reinforce Fox News viewers’ already-deep sense of identification with Mr. Zimmerman.

Part of the strategy seems to be aimed at convincing jurors that the high-pitched screams heard in the background of a 911 tape are not coming from a panicked teenager in fear for his life, but from an out of shape neighborhood watch creep being pummeled by a terrifying street thug. In testimony on Monday, Adam Pollock, the owner of a kickboxing gym where Zimmerman trained, offered an unflattering view of his client, who was apparently no Lloyd Dobler, calling him “grossly obese” and unathletic:

“He came to the gym to lose weight and get in shape,” Pollock said.

When defense attorney Mark O’Mara asked him to rate Zimmerman’s athletic ability on a scale of one to 10 when he began training, Pollock replied, “Point-five.”

Yr. Doktor Zoom was planning on getting his ass to the (non-kickboxing) gym this week himself, but decided that, should he ever decide to gun down a teenager, maybe it’s better to stay overweight. Besides, this trial just proves what we’d long suspected: those disgustingly fit people behind the counter really are just laughing at us all the time.

*h/t to alert commenter “sullivanst” for the correction. Wonkette regrets the brainfart.

[FoxNews]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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