How Can We Protect Women From Themselves Today?

States like Texas, Ohio, and North Carolina have made great strides in recent days to make sure their women are well-protected and well-informed about pregnancy and abortion, issues that they are rarely able to understand on their own. Mandatory ultrasounds ensure that women know that pregnancy means they are growing a baby inside their tummies, so they can make the best-informed choice about their terrible mistake. Stringent new regulations on abortion clinics mean women will receive the highest possible level of care, or would if the regulations didn’t shut down all the clinics. Bans on abortions after 20 weeks, or even earlier, put the most qualified people -- politicians -- in charge of women’s difficult medical decisions.

But do these measures go far enough to protect women from their own choices? Are women well-informed enough? Clearly not.

That’s why Republicans in Congress should introduce the Protecting Women From Themselves Act, which -- while preserving the right to an abortion outlined in Roe v. Wade in defiance of basic human decency -- would provide common-sense limitations to give women the help they need to make the best decisions they can. What to expect while Protecting Women From Themselves?

• A ban on all abortions after the first 20 minutes of pregnancy.

• Mandatory, quarterly transvaginal ultrasounds for all women between the ages of 14 and 60 to keep them well-informed about their health. (Not covered by insurance.)

• Before getting an abortion, you must obtain written permission from the following: the baby’s father, your father, a federal judge, your Congressman, president of the local Chamber of Commerce or Better Business Bureau, and Phyllis Schlafly.

• An outright ban on pregnancy tests. When God wants you to know, you’ll know.

• To make the best-informed decision possible before obtaining an abortion, you must view a photo composite of what your child will look like in 18 years, wearing a cap and gown and holding a diploma, with you standing next to her, tears of joy streaming down your face.

• Breast cancer is now included with all abortions.

• The marginal tax rate on incomes over $250,000 is reduced to 5 percent, and corporate, capital gains, and estate taxes are eliminated.

• Every woman who obtains an abortion receives, free of charge, a bright red “A” suitable for pinning to one’s clothing. Public display is mandatory.

• Sperm personhood.

• Every family in America must adopt at least one child. Homosexuals are exempted.

• All abortions must be preceded by a confessional consultation with a state-approved priest to ensure you have considered the spiritual ramifications of your terrible decision.

• From now on, Scalia gets two votes.

We are eager to get the public’s input on this important legislation that does so much to protect women. The sole hearing on the bill will take place in an unmarked room with no chairs in the basement of the Rayburn House Office Building between 1: 03 and 1:07 a.m. on a day that ends in “Y.”