Well, gosh, nobody saw this coming. Somehow, it is supposed to be hugely controversial that Secretary of State John Kerry was on his boat for part of the day when the Egyptian military picked a new Pharaoh last week, because foreign governments totally pay attention to whether American cabinet members are behind a desk or a binnacle. Then on Sunday, Teresa Heinz Kerry was hospitalized for a possible seizure. Because no two events are ever NOT connected, we knew it would be only a matter of time before some wingnut linked Ms. Heinz Kerry’s illness with the On-A-Boat nontroversy, and Glenn Beck, ever happy to live down to expectations, rushed in Monday to share with the world his Very Deep Concerns about Seizureghazi:
“So he’s definitely not on his boat until the pictures actually show up. And then, ‘Okay, he was on his boat,'” Beck said on his radio program. “And you expect me to believe that Mrs. Ketchup is in critical condition? I mean, no offense, maybe she is.”
Hey, no offense taken, Mr. Art for Art’s Sake! Glad you’ve got that “empathy” thing licked!
Because everything everywhere is linked by shadowy conspiracies, Beck also found eerie parallels between Heinz Kerry’s illness and Hillary Clinton’s totally fake hospitalization for a concussion and blood clot late last year:
“What happened in Benghazi? She’s in the hospital — Hillary Clinton goes to the hospital…this is the same State Department,” Beck said.
Yes, the very same State Department!!1! That’s pretty telling! Obviously, Teresa Heinz Kerry has to be faking illness so she can avoid… what, exactly? Testifying about Benghazi? Revealing that John Kerry was on a boat, which everyone already knew? Giving up the goods on the real Lindbergh baby kidnapper? In any case, it’s all pretty scary and upsetting, and Glenn Beck, after making a career out of just plain saying crazy shit about everything, finally admits one thing that is indisputably true: “I don’t know what’s real anymore.” Glenn, honey, you never did.
We were particularly impressed by Glenn Beck’s hard-nosed refusal to allow any sympathy for Heinz Kerry’s alleged illness, because the government has “lied to us too many times.” This is important to know, coming from a man who has cried on air about his hemorrhoid surgery, his impending maybe blindness (three years and counting), and that time a few weeks ago when he totally lost his voice, for reals.