Totally Sane Coloradan Randy Baumgardner To Beat Mark Udall With His Epic Stache Of Manly Justice

Hey US Senator from Colorado Mark Udall, sorry about how your brother died last week and stuff, but Randy Baumgardner is here to tell you WALK IT OFF, because he has got IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS to make, and they are IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS about how he is gonna run against you for US Senate, because what do you want him to do, wait??? THERE ARE ONLY 484 DAYS LEFT UNTIL THE ELECTION.

Let us learn some fun facts about Mark Udall and Randy Baumgardner!

• While running for Colorado's state Senate, Randy Baumgardner had an unregistered sex offender -- the kind of sex offender who was convicted of lewd acts on a child under 14, not the kind who still has to register because he did buttsechs pre-Stonewall, or the kind who was 14 himself at the time because in fact he was actually 24 while committing these lewd acts on a child, that kind of sex offender -- living in his home. Baumgardner won anyway, because he was running against a (Republican) woman who loved fags so much she wanted to MARRY THEM (to each other).

• Public Policy Polling claims that Mark Udall is totally popular, with 50 percent of Coloradoans approving of him and only a third being all "fuck that guy." But when they did head-to-head matchups between him and "top Republicans," they accidentally FORGOT to include Randy Baumgardner, as if that guy is not tops at EVERYTHING.

• Randy Baumgardner superduper loves mining, and pushed to have methane gas from coal mines (?) labeled a renewable energy source, because he is hilarious.

• Mark Udall is scion of the Udall dynasty, and his dad, Mo Udall, had only one eye, except now, looking on The Wik, it turns out there are actually TWO Udall cousins in the US Senate -- Tom is senior Senator from New Mexico-- and we are not sure there can be more than one scion, we think there can't. Did anyone outside of New Mexico actually know that? Damn. Also, good lord, they are "double second cousins" (gross) with Gordon Smith of Oregon.

• Randy Baumgardner seems like kind of a dick. 

[ DenverPost / photo from SteamboatToday.com ]