snark for art's sake

Glenn Beck Doesn’t Know Much About Art, But He Knows What He Likes (Jesus, Furries, The Chick From Reno 911, Black Velvet)

'You come at the king [of wingnut art], you best not miss'As part of his insane “Man In The Moon” event in Salt Lake City that will save America yet again this weekend, Glenn Beck has some art for you all to enjoy. It’s hardly the earth-shattering game-changing revelation that he promised within 24 hours, three weeks ago, but it’s still art.

We like Art, especially if we call it “ort” like Molly Ivins did. It’s purdy. And after you visit this collection of what TheBlaze pitches as “Stunning Paintings Intended to Restore Americans’ Confidence in God, Morality and the Declaration of Independence,” we are certain that you will agree: Utah produces Ort like Texas produces pregnant men. There’s just so much to say about this gallery of inspirational schlock, starting with, “Nice try, guys, but you’re still no Jon McNaughton. This piece, “Covenant Makers,” by Mike Malm, comes close, but while it’s McNaughtonesque in its deployment of emotional images and totally subtle symbolism, it lacks the bugfuck craziness that makes McNaughton without peer in the Wingnut Art world. Buckle up, because we are about to submit you to several wastes of perfectly good black velvet.

To start with, we should probably mention that this is the second half of diptych, and the two should be considered together. The first half of “Covenant Makers,” she is here:

That eagle saves a whole lotta painting
We are going to take a wild guess that this piece’s theme is “One Nation Under God,” especially since that’s what the slideshow insists it is. You got soldiers in each, and all sorts of iconic True American things, like a legless Kevin Spacey taking the oath of office in the middle of a graveyard, a soldier advancing on the Supreme Court while carrying a 60 pound pack as well as a midget firefighter who’s holding an injured child, and the lady from Reno 911 inducting a boy into Furrydom. And on the other side of the picture, you have giant colonial soldiers about to clumsily knock down a church steeple while NON-GAY Boy Scouts go on a hike to help a white family pray for more white babies. This, to us, is America. Glenn Beck (? — we assume it’s meant to be Glenn, since this is his show?) says he “loved the haunting eyes of the child,” possibly because they remind him of the girl he has yet to deny murdering in 1990.

This is not a painting at all but a digital image. You can tell from some of the pixels
This next one is called “God Protects the Covenant,” and is by Lee Griffiths. The commentary says that the statue of George Washington represents the legacy of all the miracles that led to America whuppin’ the British, which is a running theme of the presentation. But the garden shows that the “legacy is alive and growing but neglected and parched, [and] the storm is representative of the intense national storms we currently face.” If you look closely, you’ll see that the lighting is Benghazi and the clouds are made of IRS application forms being given extra scrutiny in Cincinnati.

This one looks so familiar somehow.
Jon McNaughton probably can’t sue Albin Veselka over this painting titled “The American Covenant” — hey, do you see a trend in these titles? — because this Jesus is in the air and isn’t actually handing anything to the Founders, also the document is the Declaration of Independence, which unlike that filthy pagan Constitution in McNaughton’s painting at least has the decency to thank Jesus in it at least 97 times.

This image approved by Julius StreicherThis Glen Edwards painting of Benedict Arnold as Judas simultaneously makes us want to read Oscar Wilde and go burn down a synagogue.

The Brintish Are coming! The Brintish are coming!And finally, one more miracle, complete with screenshot of its actual catalogue description, Warren Neary’s painting of General O’Hare from “Great Brinton” surrendering to the Americans after his crotch exploded.

[TheBlaze / The Online Covenant America Diorama]

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About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

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