Oh, Jesus H. Gerunding Christ, really? REALLY?!?!
In an interview with The Christian Post, Dr. Ted Baehr, chairman of the Christian Film and Television Coalition and Editor-in-Chief of Movieguide, attacked [The Lone Ranger‘s] “strong mixed pagan, revisionist, politically correct worldview.”
“The government is bad – the army is killing Indians – the bad guy is a businessman, the military-industrial complex is bad,” he explained, finishing the list with a notable exception – “the Christians are not always bad.”
Nevertheless, “the pagan elements triumph because you’re looking at it from Tanto’s point of view.” He used “pagan” as a generic term for non-Christian, unidentified spirituality. “It’s not Buddhism, it’s not Hinduism, it’s a mishmash.”
“There’s a lot of humor in the film, much at the expense of some of the Christians,” he added, also mentioning the villain “who prays in the name of Jesus before he goes off slaughtering people.”
Aww, shit no, not a politically correct worldview in which the army killed Indians (but, like, didn’t the army actually kill Indians?) and the military-industrial complex is bad (but, like, isn’t it?) and the Indians do not pray to Jesus (but, like … oh fucking forget it already).
Now, full disclosure, we have not seen this movie, and we understand from, like, all the reviews everywhere, that it is very bad and should feel bad, but we are pretty sure that portraying the army genociding Indians to death is not actually one of the reasons. Because, you know, that actually happened. And we are also pretty sure that portraying Indians in an insufficiently Christian light is also not one of the reasons because, um, the Indians were not actually Christians? We think? We will double-check our Howard Zinn, but we are pretty sure we’re right about this one.
Also, we are pretty sure this is not a valid reason to say the movie totes sucks either:
“The filmmakers were trying to do something new with the story by making it tongue-and-cheek from the Native American’s point of view, and instead of succeeding at that they ended up bringing out the worst in the story,” said Baehr, who knows the director personally.
If there is a law that requires all good movies to be only from the non-Native American’s point of view because otherwise BAD STUFF, we are unaware of it. Perhaps it is a little-known codicil in the First Amendment, right after it says students and teachers have a right to do sexual harassment to chicks.
In conclusion, and based solely on reading the Internet and not actually seeing the film because if we want to drool over Johnny Depp — mmmm, Johnny Depp — we would rather just watch episodes of 21 Jump Street on Hulu, The Lone Ranger is a god-fucking-awful movie for many valid reasons, but not being jingoistic and Jesus-y enough is not one of them, the end.