John McCain Writes Sternly Worded Letter To Uphold The Sanctity Of Traditional Sexual Harassment

  Hey baby wanna feel my constitutional rights?

Just ... ew

While Texas Republicans are working hard to protect some awful men who do not understand what abortion is from regretting their abortions, Republicans in Washington are working hard to protect your constitutional right to sexually harass hot chicks.

Over the past month, conservatives and libertarians have criticized efforts to curb sexual harassment on college campuses as “de-eroticizing universities” and claimed they violate free speech. Now, Sen. John McCain has jumped on the bandwagon in a letter to Attorney General Eric Holder. [...]

[T]he agreement in question was reached by the DOJ and OCR with the University of Montana in May in an effort to prevent sexual harassment and assault following a string of high-profile cases and subsequent mishandling by campus authorities. In one particularly notable case, a woman who reported her attempted rape was told “not to expect much” and told that half of all rape allegations were false. The final agreement is so measured that it has been met only with hopeful skepticism from campus activists.

No, we are not kidding. Yes, we wish we were kidding. Definitely, we need all the drinks after reading these words — Jesus H. Ass-grabbing Christ, soooo many words — from John McCain, who is so old, he remembers when he used to have to grab your ass uphill in the snow both ways. All because, as we previously ‘splained at you, Obama and Holder and the Dworkin-MacKinnon wing of the Democratic Party (wait, isn’t that the whole party?) want to ruin college sexytime. Bastards!

We will share the greatest highlights for you because really, no one should read the whole thing, and besides, we do not want to share our drinks with you, which you’d need if you read them yourselves.

Without congressional authorization or even any formal agency rulemaking, Assistant Attorney General Thomas Perez and a group of lawyers in DOJ’s Civil Rights Division have single-handedly redefined the meaning of sexual harassment at all universities and colleges across the country that receive public funding.

Fuckin’ lawyers, man, always trying to, like, define legal stuff.

Assistant Attorney General Perez on his own volition, unauthorized and unchecked by Congress, has issued a much broader definition that may compromise the constitutional rights of students and teachers.

Oh, did you not know that students and teachers have constitutional rights to sexually harass people? Well, guess what, smartypants, it’s right there in the First Amendment:

DOJ’s new interpretation of sexual harassment and its suggested disciplinary procedures are direct hindrances to students’ and teachers’ First Amendment rights as well as their right to due process.

Therefore and wherefrom and henceforth and other obsolete prepositions that only lawyers and smug senators use nowadays, McCain wants Eric Holder to stop doing legal stuff so that he can write a letter back to McCain about legal stuff. Like:

How do you specifically define “unwelcome conduct of a sexual nature”? Having promulgated a new regulatory standard regarding the definition of sexual harassment, how does DOJ plan to ensure consistent application of that standard to avoid undesirable outcomes, including vexatious litigation?

Because, you know, it is just so damned tricky for the party that likes to make distinctions about, say, “legitimate rape” and “honest rape” to understand what “unwelcome conduct of a sexual nature” might mean. Like, if she says “No” and “Stop” but she is also super-hot, is that really unwelcome? Come on, Attorney General Holder, don’t we all know that really, chicks are all total whores and always want to be groped and fondled and raped and if college students (i.e., men) can’t get away with that, well then, Thomas Jefferson is going to spin in his grave because that’s what the Constitution is really all about.

We would suggest to the senator that if he is not sure if his conduct is unwelcome or not, maybe he should just, like, not, if he is so afraid of “the risk of a wrongful conviction.” We’d suggest it, but we’d be wasting our breath and besides, we have to do all that drinking now.

[ThinkProgress]

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