Dear Michele: Suck it.It is a beeeyootiful day in America if you are gay or gay-adjacent or if you enjoy the tears of bigots. The Supreme Court has struck down the sanctity of Newt Gingrich’s three marriages, and now that we’ve had some time to cry and dance and write FUCK YEAH! on our Facebook pages, it is time to move on to the customary ritual of mocking the ever-lovin’ fuck out of bigots, who are having all the sads right now, like Rep. Michele Batshit Bachmann.

Marriage was created by the hand of God. No man, not even a Supreme Court, can undo what a holy God has instituted.

For thousands of years of recorded human history, no society has defended the legal standard of marriage as anything other than between man and woman. Only since 2000 have we seen a redefinition of this foundational unit of society in various nations.

Yes, for thousands of years, marriage was a sacred institution between one woman and her totes-not-gay fabulous husband who wanted her to go to lawyer school and be an IRS ninja mole so he could go shopping for sunglasses. Or between a rapist and his victim. Or between a man and his dead brother’s widow. Or between one king and like 500 chicks. Whatever.

But now that librul sombitch Anthony Kennedy has given the finger to God, so the apocalypse is clearly nigh, Marcus is probably packing as we speak, and everything is sad and awful and terrible in Michele’s world. She is maybe wishing she’d just slit her wrists to stop Obamacare after all, because it’s all been downhill since then, so yeah, it is a GREAT day to be an American. Unless you are a bigot.

[Michele Bachmann]

Donate with CCDonate with CC
Previous articleSupreme Court Update: Special ‘Over-The-Top Nice Time Let’s All Gay Marry Our Dogs’ Edition
Next articleNancy Pelosi Laughs At Michele Bachmann’s Tears, And Probably Her Marriage