Texas Sen. Bob Deuell Knows How Babby Is Formed: Only By 'Accurate Intercourse'
Wonkette Exclusive, Must Cite!!!!Hot off the Facebook page of awesome Texas Rep. Dawnna Dukes, some all-new derpery to come out of the debate on Texas Senate Bill 5, the Mississippi-style abortion restrictions bill that would close almost all abortion clinics in the state. More to the point, it's the bill that has already given us our newest nominees for both the coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award, Rep. Jodie "get cleaned out" Laubenberg , and Legislative Badass of the Year Award, Sen. Wendy "I will filibuster this shit so hard" Davis. The brilliance this time comes from state Sen. Bob Deuell (R-So SMRT), whose legislative website says he is "a board-certified family physician." According to the Facebook post by his colleague Rep. Dukes, Sen. Deuell (who is now one of the R's in the Texas Senate trying to interrupt Sen. Davis's filibuster) had this insight during the debate:
Another ah ha moment in the senate during SB5, Sen. Duel [sic] said pregnancy only occurs after "accurate intercourse". But of course, any other is I assume inaccurate. Hmmmm!
Accurate intercourse? Yep, your guess is as good as ours.
While we cannot be certain -- because we happen to have at least two solid brain cells to rub together, which is at least three more brain cells than Sen. Deuell possesses -- we imagine that accurate intercourse must be a kissing cousin of that old standard, legitimate rape, during which magic ladyparts shut that whole thing down. In cases of inaccurate sex, you must wear the sex dunce cap and repeat the course in sex ed summer school with Professor Louie "Check out that hot caribou sex" Gohmert , and boy does that suck.
While this sounds cold stone stupid to the at-least-three-brain-cells-havers among us, it's exactly that kind of talk that could take Duell all the way to the U.S. House, where, if he can download a medical degree from dumbshitobgyns.com, he just might get an engraved invitation to join the GOP Doctors Caucus , where he and his no-idea-how-sex-works ideas will have plenty of company.
Or maybe he could, you know, just accurately intercourse himself.
[ Facebook via Wonkette Operative "J.A."]
Texas House Bill 5 DID NOT PASS. Those mean people in the Gallery screwed the process up enough that the vote was delayed past midnight, which is when the special session ended. Of course Lt. Governor Pony Fuck from a Wheelchair is very pissy about this turn of events. Don't be surprised in Governor Goat Fucker calls another special session.
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Here&#039;s how it will go: Kennedy will read the majority opinion voiding DOMA and reversing Prop 8 to make it legal to be gay in California. Scalia will read a dissenting opinion so sarcastic and vitriolic that Ruth Bader Ginsberg will threaten to shank him in the SCOTUS cafeteria the next time he loads his plate &quot;with the last helping of risotto, you stinking Guido.&quot; Scalia will make a rude gesture. Ginsberg will climb over the bench and grab Nino by the earlobe and pinch him until he howls for mercy.