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Miss Legislative Shitmuffin 2013It has been at least 24 hours since we brought you evidence of why Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Dumbfuckistan) is a perpetual contender for Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award. When last we swigged some brain bleach and checked on the bald bumbler, he was having a sad about poors getting fat on crab legs, which is not actually A Thing, but good ol’ Louie doesn’t need A Thing to actually be A Thing for him to have a sad about it. (See also Benghazi is much more importanter than immigration because argle motherfucking bargle.)

In Gohmert’s latest submission for the Shitmuffin contest, he dumbsplains why sex ed is unnecessary because kids already know how to, like, do it and stuff:

Let the kids be innocent. Let them dream. Let them play. Let them enjoy their life. You don’t have to force this sexuality stuff into their life at such a point. It was never intended to be that way. They’ll find out soon enough. And, in fact, … mankind has existed for a pretty long time without anyone ever having to give a sex-ed lesson to anybody. And now we feel like, oh gosh, people are too stupid to unless we force them to sit and listen to instructions. It’s just incredible.

See? We do not need to teach children about sex — or, say, how to avoid the consequences of unsafe sex, like pregnancy and disease — because it is natural, and kids have an innate instinct to awkwardly grope and fumble in the back of a car or a haystack and don’t need no lessons on how to do that. Heck, Gohmert certainly didn’t need anyone to teach him how to make sweet love to a caribou near a nice, warm pipeline when he was a boy. Allegedly. He figured it all out on his own. ALLEGEDLY.

Besides, sex ed is just like Hitler. Shit, sorry, we mean the Soviet Union. (It’s usually Hitler, though, but every now and then they mix it up a bit, maybe to Rwanda, which is a nice change of pace.)

And it reminds me so much of the summer that I was an exchange student in the Soviet Union back in the Seventies and I was shocked when they were saying ‘no, the children don’t belong to parents, they belong to the state.’ […]

And now I’ve seen this coming with a lady from MSNBC saying “hey, children belong to the state” … and it just sent chills because it took me back to the Seventies when that’s what the Soviet Union used to say and we know how well that worked out.

And so, in conclusion, we do not need to teach children about how their bodies work, and where babies come from, and how to not get chlamydia, and how to not get pregnant before they are old enough to vote (well, thanks to the Supreme Court’s gutting of the Voting Rights Act, that is sort of irrelevant now anyway we guess) even though Gohmert’s very own home state kinda sorta has a wee little problem with teen pregnancy rates, but that clearly shows those kids already know how to do sex just fine, thank you very much, so they don’t need the advanced course on the reverse cowgirl or anything, and we don’t want to become the USSR, do we, so please give Gohmert the Shitmuffin crown pretty please, the end.

[Right Wing Watch via TPM]

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