Psychocaloric teevee food ogress Paula Deen said some bad stuff about racial stuff, and now she is unemployed, like a common Poor! Remember when Yr Wonkette covered the lawsuit — a story which we think we might have broken, sure why not — that elicited Deen’s recent, be-n-worded deposition before The Law? Having been place under oath, she could not lie about having used a word that rhymes with bigger (ironically? colloquially?) in “the ’60s” (when it was okay) and maybe after, it’s unclear and very ALLEGED. Weirdly, the Big Story is that Paula Deen said a word, but somehow it is not that Paula Deen may have known that her brother Bubba, who was/is in charge of stuff she owns, ALLEGEDLY abused employees, called them the n-word, hated on women, showed off porn, was always drunk, and did other hostile workplace hi-jinx, and Paula Deen didn’t do anything about it.
So that’s it, no more Paula Deen to kick around? Of course not, because This Is America! We love to forgive, because it makes us feel good, and powerful! Powerful, because we make those who sin against us perform humiliating acts of self-abasement. Here are six step that Paula Deen could take to retool her image and revive her career. Remember, not everyone has to love her, just enough to make it worth putting her back on teevee.
- Substance abuse: Wouldn’t it be sad if Paula Deen was so devastated and remorseful that she developed a crippling addiction to paint thinner? Look what we did to Paula Deen, we are monsters! Then it’s off to rehab and back into our hearts.
- Nip slip: Or any wardrobe malfunction. Many people would say “Paula Deen is a terrible racist, but she is a beautiful woman and does not deserve your body shaming!” Well, she doesn’t! Save it for Chris Christie, he is a man so it is okay!
- Take up painting: AKA the ‘Reverse Hitler.’ Even if you hated George W. Bush, didn’t you find it kind of cute that he loves to paint naked stuff, like dogs and himself, naked? You didn’t? Well, we’re sure someone did.
- Make us cookies: We make fun of Paula Deen for always cooking hot buttered garbage, but we bet many of us would nosh the shit out of pretty much anything she whipped up. It’s harder to hate when you’re full of butter.
- Donate: Talk is cheap because Speech is Free, so we do not believe a word out of anyone’s mouth until they open their wallets. Paula Deen should get her name on some racial transcendence by making a Generous Contribution.
- Go on Oprah: Oprah is still on teevee, right? If not, get her back on there, because Oprah alone has the power to grant absolution for all American sins. Cry on Oprah, and your tears will be an elixir of True Redemption. It’s in the Constitution!
For good measure, she could quit Facebook and Twitter claiming that she and her family are being bullied, then come back when she has a new product to shill. We like her better already!