Remember all the fun we had debating whether torture was torture? Well, the good times don’t have to end, because everyone’s favorite unindicted war criminal John Yoo is back at National Review Online’s Treasury of Travesties “The Corner” to remind us all that John Yoo is a fucking disgrace. In this installment of “John Yoo’s John Yoo Is A Fucking Disgrace Internet Column,” John Yoo informs us that we must “Prosecute Snowden.” A fascinating thesis that is arguably true! But will John Yoo make our heads explode by padding out his column with infuriating conflations and First Amendment hypocrisy? Ha, does the Pope wash lady feet?
First off, yeah maybe we do have to prosecute Edward Snowden. Snowden himself said he knew he was breaking the law by disclosing classified NSA documents, so it kinda doesn’t matter if we’re happy he did it. But John Yoo does not stop there; of course not! How could he, with such a golden opportunity to ham-fistedly compare the NSA leak to the Justice Department’s handling of the James Rosen “co-conspirator” bargle?
Let’s let John Yoo derp it in his own words:
“Recall that the Obama Justice Department claimed that Fox News reporter James Rosen was a co-conspirator in the alleged leak of classified intelligence. If the Justice Department truly believed what it told the courts when seeking a wiretap on Rosen, then it should indict the reporters and editors for the Washington Post and the Guardian newspapers who published information on PRISM. They clearly “conspired” with Snowden”
Except the Justice Department didn’t indict James Rosen! They called him a “co-conspirator” when asking a judge to let them look at his phone and email records, which was naughty language, but not an “indictment,” did you know that, noted lawyer and Berkeley professor John Yoo? You probably did, which makes you… what is the opposite of a charlatan, someone who knows stuff but pretends they don’t? “Raving asshole,” maybe? If the Justice Department wants to remain consistent with the James Rosen case, that means they should call Glenn Greenwald a poop head and try to read his sexy gay emails.
And of course, John Yoo knows that no shit sandwich is complete without a nice smear of smegmustard:
“Personally, I think that the Post is protected by the First Amendment, but Holder’s Justice Department clearly doesn’t think so.”
Hoo boy, John Yoo, we are so glad you held fast to this deeply-cherished belief of yours and resigned when the Bush Justice Department that paid you to fuck everything up sent Judith Miller to jail after she wouldn’t disclose her source for a story about how THE SAME FUCKING BUSH ADMINISTRATION VINDICTIVELY OUTED VALERIE PLAME AS A CIA AGENT! HOLY SHIT, THE HAGUE, CAN YOU REALLY DO NOTHING ABOUT THIS GUY?!
Ok, we are OK now.