It’s going to be a challenge getting through this one without tripping the sexist pig alarm, but we’ll try. Edward Snowden, the former Booz Allen Hamilton contractor who disclosed that the NSA is every bit as creepy as we have long suspected, had a girlfriend named Lindsay Mills. We use the past tense “had” because we guess she is single now, as Snowden has made quite sure to let us know that he left behind a fat salary, the state of Hawaii, and this lady so we could have his seekrit PowerPoint slides, and you’re welcome.
As for Lindsay Mills, it’s fair to say she possesses several physical qualities that are commonly associated with being hot.
She has a torso with several limbs attached, and even a face, with symmetrical features! On her blog, she describes herself as a “pole-dancing super hero,” reports the Daily Mail, adept as ever at drilling down to a story’s slavering id. Lindsay, please stay far away from Comic Con, the nerds will rip you apart and eat you for Stamina Points. Let’s see, what else about Lindsay Mills tickles us just so?
Obviously her purple prose, duh! Remember that creative writing class you took in college because three Humanities credits? You’re about to:
My world has opened and closed all at once.
Leaving me lost at sea without a compass.
Surely there will be villainous pirates, distracting mermaids, and tides of change in this new open water chapter of my journey.Dr. Gundry reveals the top 3 common foods that you would have never guessed were the cause of your fatigue.
But at the moment all I can feel is alone.
And for the first time in my life I feel strong enough to be on my own. Though I never imagined my hand would be so forced.
Lindsay, you have our word that we would never force your hand anywhere, you distracting mermaid you! You are the prose stylist that Julian Assange wishes he could be.
It’s not clear at this point what kind of advance notice Snowden gave Mills that he was about to shit all over her whole life, but according to the Mail, Mills “lives in the home that Snowden, a private contractor making $200,000 working with the National Security Agency, rented in Hawaii,” so obviously we are meant to wonder whether she can afford to stay there on a pole dancing super hero’s salary. We are also not sure why her accompanying Snowden to Hong Kong wasn’t an option; it appears from the sadness and hand-forcing in Mills’ blog post that she didn’t have much say in the matter.
We are now taking bets on when the Edward Snowden HAS TO BE GAY meme starts, with side wagers on who will start it. (The smart money is on here, now. PAY UP, JIM HOFT!)
The Daily Mail article has some onanist diversions for you, of course, but we thought we’d throw in one of our own. This was on CNN.com last night; it was written by a “professor of law and chairman of the department of humanities at the U.S. Coast Guard Academy”:
This Snowden’s no Daniel Ellsworth, in fact he’s lower than Benedict Angstrom!