Rand Paul Aide Has Cunning Plan To Stop Gay Marriage, Seeks Lions Willing To Devour Him (Updated)

Sometimes, we here at Yr Wonkette poke fun at Christianist America, just for funsies. Any nutjob can believe whatever wackadoodle things floats their boat, and Yr Wonkette would never call for the deaths of Christians. Especially if one of their own is going to do it for us. Ed Brayton is on it like a ravenous jungle beast:

David Lane, who is running Rand Paul’s outreach to evangelical voters for his potential presidential run, has a completely unhinged column at the Worldnutdaily calling on Christians to become martyrs in order to stop same-sex marriage -- how, exactly? because it will destroy America.

The entire article is no longer available because -- no lie -- it was actually TOO NUTTY for WND. Srsly -- here is the link . They took it down. No explanation, but the only thing one can imagine is that David Lane managed to expel such nausea-inducing crazy-talk that was too awful for the Internet's renowned home for all things awful. And maybe WND thought a call for "martyrdom" might somehow be taken as an invitation for nutbags to strap on explosive vests? Happily, Yr Wonkette and everyone else can read snippets preserved at Dispatches From The Culture Wars and The Immoral Minority , who quoted large sections before it was all gone, like tears in rain, or farts in the wind. Let's explore!

First off, David Lane (who has worked for such luminaries as Newt Gingrich, Mike Huckabee and Shelly CrazyEyes ) quotes a long passage from some book, Between Babel and the Beast , which apparently is not the one with talking candlesticks so why bother. Anyway, Lane quotes:

Throughout Scripture, the only power that can overcome the seemingly invincible omnipotence of a Babel or a Beast is the power of martyrdom, the power of the witness to King Jesus to the point of loss and death. American Christianity has not done a good job of producing martyrs...

Now, let's explore this for a bit. Back in Roman times, there were plenty of Christian martyrs because Christians were an actual oppressed minority. And we are not talking about bullshit oppression like teachers being prohibited from forcing kids to recite the Lord's Prayer, we mean actual oppression like actual gruesome death and dismemberment, often for the enjoyment of government officials who believed in different, more fun-loving gods. We can see why modern Christianists miss the good old days.

According to the Pew Forum on Religion & Public Life , more than 87 percent of Congresscritters are Christian. EIGHTY-SEVEN FUCKING PERCENT, people. Prayers open each day of Congressional activity, the President and members of Congress regularly participate in Prayer Breakfasts, and churches are allowed to operate and not even pay any taxes at all. Perhaps there are no martyrs today because Christians are only oppressed in their own sad little minds. Perhaps someone should remind them that "not getting to tell other people how to live their lives" is actually different from "oppression." What in the hell would one become a martyr for? Oh right, this:

Where are the champions of Christ to save the nation from the pagan onslaught imposing homosexual marriage, homosexual scouts, 60 million babies done to death by abortion and red ink as far as the eye can see on America? Who will wage war for the Soul of America and trust the living God to deliver the pagan gods into our hands and restore America to her Judeo-Christian heritage and re-establish a Christian culture?

Let’s make it crystal clear: Those who embrace homosexual marriage and homosexual Scouting -- or homosexuality in general -- know little and practice nothing of Christianity.

Pagan onslaught imposing homosexual marriage? Seriously? There have been no reported cases of anyone forced to enter into a same-sex marriage, unless David Lane knows of an epidemic somewhere, and he is keeping it seekrit from everyone. Well, David? Is there somewhere we can send Glenn Beck and Darrel Issa where pagan onslaught-ed homosexual marriage will be imposed upon them?

And why do Republicans insist on waging a war every time they get a butthurt? War on drugs, war on terror, war in Iraq, war in Iraq part II (Daddy Issues Remix), war in Afghanistan, war on Christmas, war on women , and now a war for the Soul of America? Perhaps all this warring brought on by Christians in the White House and Christians in the Congress is part of the reason for the "red ink as far as the eye can see on America"? Just thinking out loud, here. Lane makes it clear that he doesn't care for mere "dialogue: "

As to the future of America -- and the collapse of this once-Christian nation -- Christians must not only be allowed to have opinions, but politically, Christians must be retrained to war for the Soul of America and quit believing the fabricated whopper of the “Separation of Church and State,” the lie repeated ad nauseum by the left and liberals to keep Christian America -- the moral majority -- from imposing moral government on pagan public schools, pagan higher learning and pagan media....

As demonstrated by the give-and-take with the pagan media elite and pagan National Education Association, it is impossible to hold a conversation with someone bent on delivering a monologue. Christian America must war to make our nation a better place for our kids and grandkids.

This whole idea has an eerie familiarity to it. David Lane wants to wage a holy war -- probably metaphorical, though he doesn't make the distinction, at least in the excerpts that remain -- against unbelievers to deliver pagans into his hand. Don't look now, David, but you are calling for a Christian jihad to imposeShariatheocratic law on the land. As one who lives a few miles from where other religious fanatics crashed a plane into a building in their jihad, Yr Wonkette is firmly against violent jihads of all kinds.

However, if you are still interested in a pit and some lions, perhaps we can work something out.

Update: Alert commenter HogeyeGrex points us to the cached version of thefull article. Nothing too new there, unless maybe you count the closing exhortation, "You ask, 'What is our goal?' To wage war to restore America to our Judeo-Christian heritage with all of our might and strength that God will give us." Or maybe the call for "a Gideon or Rahab the Harlot" to stand up and take action. Gideon led a wholesale slaughter of an enemy army, and Rahab, in addition to all the harlotry, was all heroic at the battle of Jericho, and so God spared her family when he wiped out the whole city. Again, could just be metaphorical, right?

[ Freethought Blog / The Immoral Minority / Pew Forum on Religion & Public Life ]