After Lengthy Downtime, Mitt Romney Powers Up To Explains That Hurricane Sandy Wrecked His Robot Dreams

Jun 07, 2013

OK to be totally honest, we'd pretty much completely forgotten about Mitt Romney. Sure, Mittens gave us some high comedy like binders full of women and we couldn't get enough of his failed attempts to behave as a human, but he just became a misty water-colored memory months ago. But - we were wrong to forget about Mitt and to overlook his amazing power to be an entitled whiny-ass-titty-baby about EVERYTHING, including why he lost the election. SPOILER ALERT: It wasn't his fault! It was the fault of that meddling hurricane:

[I]n a new interview with CNN's Gloria Borger, Romney showed he's still not a natural in dealing with the press. When asked if he had hard feelings about New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie praising President Obama after Hurricane Sandy, Romney said no. Instead? "I wish the hurricane hadn't happened when it did because it gave the president a chance to look presidential."

Yes, that pesky hurricane. Sure it caused like one quadzillion ameros of damages and wrecked entire neighborhoods, but the real victim here is Mitt Romney. The superstorm drowned his dreams, you guys! Superstorm was bad for kittens and children and people, but mostly for Mittens. If not for the hurricane, everyone would have seen Bamz for what he really is - a Kenyan socialist blah man who had no right to something that Mitt Romney wanted real bad. The sheer wrongness, the utter NOT FAIR of it, must hurt Romney's cyborg brain so much that he's forced to flail around to find some reason that he lost, because certainly he is not the reason he lost, nosiree.

Also in a dispatch from whatever candyland fantasy Mittens currently lives in, Mitt would like you to know that the election was very close, thankyouverymuch:

Romney, who is hosting a retreat with his wife on Thursday and Friday in Utah, appears to have convinced himself that he almost had it. "The election was close enough in the outcome with what 4 percent difference between the two campaigns that a number of things could have changed the outcome," he said.

BREAKING! MUST CREDIT WONKETTE: 4% is not even REMOTELY close, presidential election-wise. 5 MILLION more people loved the muslin pretender than loved Mittens. FIVE MILLION FUCKING PEOPLE. That is a lot of people, but clearly this is not the kind of input that Mittens is prepared to receive.

You know what? We're just going to let Mittens be from now on (that is probably a lie!) because he's just so...sad. At this point, it is like kicking a puppy. One of those weird robot puppies, but a puppy nonetheless. As his latest comment clearly indicates, Mittbot DOES SO know how to look presidential! LEAVE MITTENS ALONE.

Dok Zoom added an obligatory Pony video (SFW for a change):