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keep fucking that chickenAnd so it begins.

Week One of our Wonk Your Brains Out Midwest Southwest World Tour starts this coming Wednesday, and mama has yet to get a fucking tuneup, gah.

Remember, all parties are free unless’n you want to bring a checkbook with donations for Habitat for Humanity, and no, you do not have to be a commenter to attend. We love lurkers best, since they are never BOTHERING us with their SHIT. (Also, you can bring some 20s if you want, we will be selling merch out of the trunk of our car, because “class.”)

Wed., June 5, 6 p.m.: We begin in Sarah Palin’s new home state of Scottsdale, Arizona. There will be line dancing or something? We do not know, it is all fucked up. (BLAME LISA WINES, SHE PICKED IT.) Handlebar J, 7116 E Becker Ln., Scottsdale, AZ 85254, (480) 948-0110.

Thurs., June 6: Oh, did you think we were having a party in Albuquerque, because of how we said we were? Well it is cancelled! So come see us instead on

Fri., June 7, 5 p.m.: We will be buying margaritas and whatnot for all of Santa Fe at Del Charro, 101 W Alameda St., Santa Fe, NM 87501, (505) 954-0320.

Sun., June 9, daytime: Are you a really, really good friend of yr Wonket? Then email us at rebecca at wonkette dot com if you would like to attend Commie Mom’s birthday party at her home, in Tecumseh, OK. If you are just a mild-to-middling friend of your Wonket, then wait a couple weeks and come to the party in Norman instead.

Mon., June 10, 6 p.m.: St. Louis, Missouri. We’ll be at Schlafly Tap Room, 2100 Locust St. (at 21st), St. Louis, MO 63103, 314-241-BEER x1

Tues., June 11-Thurs., June 13: Chicago. (Party Thursday, 6 p.m. Can someone invite Joe Walsh?) Christina’s Place, 3759 N. Kedzie Ave., Chicago, 773-463-1768.

Fri., June 14, 6 p.m.: Madison, Wisconsin. (Can someone invite Scott Walker?) Harmony, 2201 Atwood Ave., Madison, WI 53704
(608) 249-4333

Sat., June 15, 6 p.m.: Minneapolis. (Can someone invite Keith Ellison?) Grumpy’s Downtown, 2200 4th St NE, 1111 Washington Ave. S, Minneapolis, 612.340.9738. Get there before 9 p.m., as that is when we lose the room to some shitty band!

Sun., June 16: SOMEWHERE IN IOWA! Where? We do not know!!!

Mon., June 17, 6 p.m.: Lawrence, Kansas. Frank’s North Star Tavern, 508 Locust St., Lawrence, KS, (785) 856-5080.

Tues., June 18, 6 p.m.: Norman, Oklahoma. The Mont, 1300 Classen Blvd Norman, OK 73071, (405) 329-3330. We’ll be in the Tiki Hut!

Thurs., June 20, 6 p.m.: Dallas. Uptown Pub, 3605 McKinney Ave., Dallas, TX, US 75204, (214) 522-5100.

Fri.-Sat., June 21-22: Austin. (Party Saturday, 6 p.m.! But you could still buy us dinner on Friday maybe, if’n you want!) East Side Pies, 1401 Rosewood Ave. ATX 78702. NOTE: We are buying the pizzas, but this one is BYOB! Impress us with your elegant and whimsical brews!!!

Sun., June 23: Las Cruces, New Mexico. Or not. Probably not, right?

Also, Seattle area Wonkadians, you are having your own unofficial Drinky Thing with Doktor Zoom making the trek from the wilds of Idaho, as your special guest! The festivities are tomorrow (yikes!) Saturday, June 1, from 7 to ????? at The Blarney Stone in beautiful Downtown Seattle. More details here!

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