Weep Weep Wonket For Your Fallen Hero Michele Bachmann

It takes a big woman to admit both her poor electoral chances and the investigation into all her crimes, in the first minute and a half of her speech announcing her upcoming retirement, or else it takes an amateurish speechwriter who isn't really aware of stuff like "not bringing up poor electoral chances and the investigation into all her crimes in the first minute and a half of a retirement speech." Six of one, and cetera!

Anyway, here is our greatest pal, Michele Bachmann, announcing that her upcoming retirement has nothing whatsoever to do with her poor electoral chances or the investigation into all her crimes. Then she says a lot more stuff, we were not listening, as the air started going all wavy around us, and suddenly we were slo-motioning in flashback, remembering the time we picked her a flower, and the time we smeared frosting on each other's noses, and the time we sang into hairbrushes in our jamas, and all the other good times we had.

Remember when Michele Bachmann said God would make Obama repeal Obamacare? WHO WILL MAKE GOD MAKE OBAMA REPEAL OBAMACARE NOW?

Remember when she ran away from Dana Bash, like, really fast, because Dana Bash was being a LIEBERAL MEDIA by asking her why she gotta lie all the time?

Remember all her debates that she got nothing wrong in?

Remember when she stiffed her staffers, or staffed her stiffers, or something of the like?

Talking about stiffing staffers, were you aware she is married to a Homosexican?

Remember when it was the left's fault that Michele Bachmann had applied for Swiss citizenship even though she was not running for President of Swiss?

Remember when she called Minnesota Congressman Keith Ellison a terrorist? And she called Hillary Clinton deputy Huma Abedin a terrorist? And she called the president a terrorist (probably)? Remember when she was the real victim of calling people terrorists? Good times.

Remember when her former campaign manager called her evil and nuts? 

She did some other things too, but in honor of la Bachmann, we will just take the money and run.