More Legitimate Advice from a GOP Loser: Todd Akin Un-Ironically Discusses Winning

Seems like there are lots of failed Republicans taking positions on what the GOP should do to stop losing all the time. First, Bob Dole had a sad about the Tea Party on Sunday TeeVee , and the GOP was all argle bargle, what a losing loser who lost to Billy Blojob in the 90s.

What the GOP really needs is a more recent loser to give radically different advice.  Are there any failed Republicans who couldn’t win a red state that Mittens VanRomneyworth won by 10 points? Perhaps a piggish prick who made statements about “legitimate rape” based on some zany branch of 1950’s whack-‘science’ used to denigrate womenfolk? Then please, we beg you to write a column about how the GOP can win, because you are the exact person who should be lecturing us!

Thanks, former-Rep. Todd Akin! Not only are you a legitimate loser, but your post is just crazy enough to ensure that any Republican stoopid enough to follow your advice will soon follow in your footsteps of losing badly and being forced to whore yourself out to WND , just like Pennsylvania loser and famous-for-his-last-name Rick Santorum. And Yr Wonkette apologizes to legitimate whores everywhere for that comparison.

Let’s see what this assclown had to say about achieving a victory that he himself managed to piss away!

Because he hasn’t had enough trouble with the medical community, Rep. Akin decided to use a “sick patient” metaphor for his long-winded bloviation.  His “cure” seems to be: just throw a tea party for the patient, and everything will be hunky-dory!

The conservative position is a winning platform.

Yeah, tell that to Rep. Todd Akin, who is a giant losing loser who lost and can’t win because he is a conservative asshat. Also, tell that to Bamz who won like 652% of the vote in 2008 and 348% in 2012. Clearly, Rep. Akin has as much trouble reading polls and understanding the American electorate as he does understanding medical science about women’s hoo-hoos.

Next, Rep. Akin delves into religiosity-ness.

The recognition of a Creator is core to conservative belief… Ignoring Washington, our liberal courts have censored school prayer and the words “Thou shalt not kill” from classrooms. How has the loss of these conservative principles been working for us?

Yr DDM is willing to make Rep. Akin a deal. If all the kids in every school south of the Mason-Dixon Line are forced to face Mecca five times a day and pray to Allah, all Wonkette writers will give up our collective day jobs and work day and night to ensure that every child north of the Mason-Dixon Line prays to your jeesus.  How about that? What, you don’t want to force kids to pray now? How the fuck do you think it feels to force atheists, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, and others to pray to your god, then? Crazy liberals thinking that kids shouldn’t be indoctrinated into a specific religion by government-funded, government-run schools because FREEDOM. Suck on that liberty stick, asshole.

And as for the Thou shalt not kill, it was the Republicans who shut down all debate about the rampant use of guns in society, and the ease at which 20 little kiddies can die in about 5 minutes from a nutjob with a gun. There have been about 45 hearings about BENGHAZI, and already 4 or 5 about the IRS scandal, but when it comes to protecting kids, all the libruls should just STFU because 2^ndAmendment, period, end of argument.

Rep. Akins continues to spew awfulness from his crusty cakehole:

The founders, like conservatives today, placed a high value on individual life and liberty. However, they paid a terrible price for ignoring slavery. What will be the cost of ignoring the killing of over 50 million unborn Americans? …Conservatives believe that abortion waters down our moral currency and cheapens life.

Waters down our moral currency? Is the Fed in charge of moral currency rates? Or does that fall under Treasury, we are confused… Perhaps taking the country into two wars because of daddy issues waters down moral currency, but Rep. Akin had no issues supporting that.  Also, Rep. Akin uses “freedom” six times in his vomitous spewage, but that doesn’t mean choice for womyn. Sorry womyns, no freedoms for you unless us men get together and deign to gift some to you because we are nice.  Freedom does not equal choice because conservative.

But one of the real problems is debt, because Nobummer spends money like a drunken sailor does on rumbullion.

The Obama administration is burning over a trillion dollars a year in deficit spending on a $3.5 trillion budget. Our addiction to handouts will create poverty and dependence and leave our children in economic slavery. We must not trade our inheritance of freedom for the golden chains of dependency to the welfare state.

And how is Missouri doing in helping to create a handout state? According to the Environmental Working Group’s database on farm subsidies, Missouri ranks 12th out of 50 states for farm handouts, with 42 percent of farms receiving subsidies in 2012. Over the past 18 years, Missourians have raked in $10.2 billion in subsidies, which would make for some handsome golden welfare chains, right, Rep. Akin? Overall Missouri receives $1.09 in federal assistance for every dollar Missouri sends to the federal government, so thanks Rep. Akin for leaving our kids in the economic chains of slavery.

Not that Rep. Akin gives out any specific thoughts on how to reduce government spending. But why bother thinking of actual solutions when you can just throw out words like “welfare” and “handouts” and make the Tea Party froth like Rick Santorum’s ass after a weekend bender in Dupont Circle.

And finally, what would a screed against libruls be without a Hitler reference, huh? Bring it home, Rep. Akin!

The American system is remarkably durable, but it is not fool-proof. Just because we are free to elect leaders, it does not follow that the leaders we choose will be good ones, as the people in Germany found out in the 1940s!

Hahahaha, comparing Obama to Hitler is so so hilarious and novel! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha, Rep. Akin is so incredibly clever, the most cleverest person to ever lose so badly to Claire McCaskill in 2012.  Haha, don’t you get it? Bad leaders (Claire McCaskill) are like Hitler with benghinas – double threat! Tears are streaming down our faces because Rep. Akin is so clever. Also, Missourians are fools because they elected a girl Hitler, and Americans are fools because Obama is a Kenyan Socialist Hitler, haha.

In order to win, Republicans just need to double-down on being conservative, bring God back into schools and workplaces, strengthen our moral currency through denying freedom to womyn, stop running up the debt through magick, and not elect girl Hitlers.

Since this is a librul website, we have to hope and pray that every GOP in the land will follow this formula and be as successful as Not-Senator Akin. Please please don’t go get a second opinion.

[ WND via RightWingWatch / EWG ]