Obama Is Wrecking The World Because Of His Coke-Fueled Gay Sex Habit (Updated!)

(Updated; see end of post)Remember last year when every poll in the known universe said Bamz gonna win but unskewed polls guy explained how no way because Nate Silver was kinda gay-ish? And then after the election that same superstar genius created his voter fraud website to explain to you that Bamz actually defrauded every state ever to impose his evil will on us? WE LOVE THAT GUY. No, for reals, we love that guy, because now he haspopped up again (Not anymore! See update below)to help us understand how Obummer messed up BENGHAZI!!11! because he was out having himself a big gay cocaine-fest:  

While our consulate in Benghazi was attacked during the night of September 11 of last year, our fearless leader was allegedly hiding away somewhere getting “high as a kite” on cocaine. This is the speculation of Kevin DuJan, a self-described “gay conservative political analyst” writing for a publication called HillBuzz. DuJan states that his claim, which he appears to make based on knowledge and experience of drug addicts, explains the president being missing for most of the evening during the attack on Benghazi.

Welp. WE are convinced of this for sure because it makes absolutely perfect sen....wait. Nope, no it doesn't. In fact, Mr. Unskewed Polls Guy, it pretty much sounds like the thesis of your incredible revelation article is that Bamz was high because a dude you read on the internet who is super familiar with addicts -- and by "familiar,' we do not mean "through his career as a clinical expert" -- says Bamz was high.

Let's go check Mr. Unskewed's original source and then we can better understand POTUS' crippling struggle with white lines:

Since this was a night of great crisis for our country, the only logical reason that the White House won’t explain where the president was is if this man was high as a kite on illegal narcotics at the time.

Oh god we love this guy also too because he stunningly revalated that the Libyan ambassador was gay because he was not married. Now back to Bamz. We know lots of people who are not available for any given period of time because they are working on something else or hate your face and don't want to call you back or just don't feel like giving you a blow-by-blow (PUN INTENDED DUH) account of their day. Also, too, yr Wonkette has known some people who became overly fond of snowstorms, and usually there were other tells like red nose, irritability, and the CONSTANT NEED FOR COCAINE that tipped us off. Well, we probably lack the keen observations skills of a conservative gay activist because if we WERE conservative gay activists, we would probably have figured out not only that Bamz was a coke fiend but also, too, he was off having teh homo sexytime instead of rescuing us from history's greatest tragedy:

...[Obama] reappeared again the next day, briefly, before jetting off to fabulous Las Vegas for a fun-and-games fundraiser event he had scheduled there (where, it also should be noted, not only Chippendales but also Thunder From Down Under male revues are regularly held…which certainly establishes the appeal of heading to Las Vegas instead of managing a national crisis back in Washington for this particular president).

...my good friend Justine in California emailed me to ask whether I thought Obama was having sex with Reggie Love during the “missing hours” and if that’s where he was. Justine was an actress and model in Los Angeles back in the late-1970s and ran in the same circles as friends of closeted gay men like Rock Hudson…so her first instinct with Obama and Benghazi is that he and Reggie Love were getting at it and Obama didn’t want to be disturbed.

I think Obama doing cocaine is a much better explanation for his missing hours, simply because at his age and with all the men he’s been with it’s not like he couldn’t just stop romancing Reggie for a little bit…and then get back to it when they were in Vegas. I know the stereotype of gay guys is that we’re all sex-crazed and can’t control ourselves, but even the biggest gay sexual glutton in the world can pull himself away from a hot guy long enough to take care of something important (if need be). It’s not like this would have been the first time that Barack Obama was having gay sex…so surely he could have pushed “pause” to be president for a while (before getting back to whatever he was up to when the crisis was over).

So Bamz needed to fiddle Reggie Love's cock while Benghazi burned, and normally he could have stopped mid-stroke to deal with World War Eleventy but because he was absolutely coked to the gills, he had to keep having sex. SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.

We don't know about you, but the idea of Obama being a 70s-style coke whore hanging out at modern-day bacchanalia does not make us love him less. It just wants to make us hang out with him more. Sorry conservatives. Thanks Obama!

UPDATE: Strange newslike siteThe Examiner appears to have pulled Dean Chambers' article for some reason. The URL we originally linked to now brings up only an error message, but because Yr. Doktor Zoom is a lazy dude who doesn't close his browser tabs, here is a screenshot of what used to be there:

[ Examiner / HillBuzz ]