blessed are the hypocrites

Tenn Rep. Stephen Fincher Pocketed $9 Million in Ag Subsidies, Says Jesus Hates Food Stamps

Because what have they ever done for us?So in our story yesterday on the Congressional debate over just how deeply Jesus wants food stamps to be cut, we missed a tiny detail that is probably worth mentioning. One of the special flowers seeking to slash the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, aka food stamps, was Tennessee Bible-humper Stephen Fincher, who argued against feeding the hungry by quoting Jesus’s message of love and indifference in Matthew chapter 26: “the poor will always be with us, and they will always be nasty tricksy takerses. They takes the precious and we hates them, we do.”

Only it turns out that we were unaware of one other delightful factoid about Rep. Fincher, brought to light by the blog Southern Beale: when he’s not busy saving taxpayers’ money by telling hungry children to fuck off and die, Rep. Fincher is a proud member of the agribusiness community, and according to the source of all knowledge, Fincher’s family agribiz

has received $8.9 million in farm subsidies over the past decade, mostly from the cotton program, according to U.S. Department of Agriculture data.

(Yes, there’s a source, so you just knock off your wiki-bashing, you.)

And while other candidates in the 2010 primary made some noise about those subsidies, Fincher nonetheless won his district as a Tea Partier who hates big government. Just not when it’s lining his pocket, because he is a Maker, not a Taker.

Son of God Jesus Christ was unavailable for comment at press time, as He was busy saving some — but not all — children from a tornado.


About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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