Rand Paul Will Work With Jesus To Help You Cling To Your Guns

While the species of libertarian fanboy known as the Paultard will strenuously argue that Paul brand politics are different from those of garden variety wild-eyed Republicans, it is becoming clear that the young prince of Pauldom (Rand Paul) is laughing at the Paultards as much as we do. As part of a campaign to make himself more palatable to mainstream nutjobs, Rand Paul sent out a screamy email written in traditional Teatard warning his followers that Bamz and the New World Ordergonna grab all your guns. He has also been on a "Jesus is awesome tour" to convince evangelicals they are allowed to vote for him.

From a spittle-flecked Rand Paul fundraising email:  

Ultimately, UN bureaucrats will stop at nothing to register, ban and CONFISCATE firearms owned by private citizens like YOU.

So far, the gun-grabbers have successfully kept many of their schemes under wraps.

But looking at previous attempts by the UN to pass global gun control, you and I can get a good idea of what’s likely in the works.

You can bet the UN is working to FORCE the U.S. to implement every single one of these anti-gun policies: *** Enact tougher licensing requirements, making law-abiding Americans cut through even more bureaucratic red tape just to own a firearm legally;

*** CONFISCATE and DESTROY ALL “unauthorized” civilian firearms (all firearms owned by the government are excluded, of course);

*** BAN the trade, sale and private ownership of ALL semi-automatic weapons;

*** Create an INTERNATIONAL gun registry, setting the stage for full-scale gun CONFISCATION.

Well, props to Rand for resurrecting such a tried-and-true conservative hobgoblin. We'd almost forgotten about the level of conspiracy theorizing and fear-mongering that could center on one rather ineffectual global actor like the UN.

Now, this whole thing should really be beneath our dignity to debunk because it is ridiculous and because snopes.com already did it for us, which is good because we are lazy. Bite-sized version: of course neither the UN or Bamz is going to take your guns, but the UN and Bamz think that maybe it would be kinda nice if there wasn't illegal export of firearms to terrorists and criminals and the like. EXPORT, people. As in OUTSIDE THE UNITED STATES.

Wonklingians will not be surprised to learn that of course the U.S. will only sign the UN Arms Trade Treaty if it contains explicit text that upholds the only Amendment that matters, but if Obama can orchestrate history's greatest tragedy, BENGHAZI!!111!!!!, you think he can't pull the wool over your eyes about the UN? THINK ABOUT IT, SHEEPLE.

But hellacious visions of jackbooted UN troops marching down Main Street gobbling your guns as they go. Rand SonofRon is also snuggling up to evangelicals by explaining how he's a libertarian, but not a libertarian libertarian, gnome sane?

“I’m not advocating everyone go out and run around with no clothes on and smoke pot,” he said. “I’m not a libertarian. I’m a libertarian Republican. I’m a constitutional conservative.”

Join us, Wonklaysains, in asking WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? First, how on earth could anyone think that is what being a libertarian means? coughAquaBuddahcough. Unpossible! Apparently you can clear up all this confusion with a little Jesus-based fireside chat sort o' thingy:

Earlier this spring, Sen. Rand Paul and his wife, Kelley, invited a crew from the Christian Broadcasting Network into their Kentucky home for what turned into two full days of reality TV. In a half-hour special, “At Home With Rand Paul,” the couple are seen bird-watching in the woods, going to McDonald’s and, especially, talking about religion — their belief in traditional marriage and the senator’s call for a “spiritual cleansing” in America.

Best TV show, or BESTEST TV show? And nothing says "to each their own" like disliking non-traditional romantic arrangements and hoping that someday a real Jesus rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets. Sounds like a super-coherent political philosophy to us! RAND PAUL 4 PRESIDENT 4 LYFE!

[ Washington Post ]