Wonkette Buys Man

You have done it, Wonkaloos!!!1! You have helped your Wonket purchase an entire human being, with health insurance and social security and all the other socialismsist crimes against Ayn Rand! Did you donate the whole amount to buy Doktor Zoom? Well, no. We still have about four million whore diamonds to go. But fuck it, we are hiring this bitch. If you want, you can donate more. But wait, why are we making YOU buy Doktor Zoom for US? Because FROM YOU according to your ability TO US according to our need! Also, SHUT UP IS WHY!

What is the first thing we are making the good Doktor do after his full-time start date (June 1)? Oh just run the whole site for like three weeks while we do not check in AT ALL, because we will be on our Midwest Southwest Wonk Your Brains Out Tour of Orgies and Drunkenness! The one whose itinerary is after the jump!

Wonk Your Brains Out Tour of Orgies and Drunkenness, A Itinerary:

June 5: Hey Phoenix, sup?

June 6:  Albuquerque! 

June 7: Santa Fe.

June 10: St. Louis.

June 13: Chicago (you may also take us to dinner June 11 or 12!).

June 14: Madison.

June 15: Minneapolis.

June 17: Lawrence, Kansas.

June 18: Norman, Oklahoma.

June 20: Dallas.

June 22: Austin.

June 23: Las Cruces or Juarez, as my road buddy movie partner Lisa Wines and I have not decided whether we want to be MURDERED yet.

Hopefully Doktor Zoom will not have already quit by the time we get back without ever having checked in at all, which is why Newell left, and that time it was only like twelve hours that we were AWOL and on shrooms, like a fucking hippie. : (

ANYWAY, hopefully he will not quit because he has to help us run our new A&E site, which will launch in September.

And that is it! Now start arguing about the merits of different dive bars in the comments.

Also, Boston, Seattle and Portland, WE WILL GET THERE EVENTUALLY. We promise.

OR DO WE???

Yes we do.

MAYBE.

OR ... oh never mind.