Why do you people insist on enslaving Lauryn Hill, by buying her records? Now, thanks to you, she is going to prison for not paying taxes on the 50 million units she sold, and if that is not slavery, we do not know what is. Or actually, if that is not slavery, Lauryn Hill does not know what is. Let’s go to the tape, TMZ!

“I was put into a system I didn’t know the nature of. … I’m a child of former slaves. I got into an economic paradigm and had that imposed on me,” Hill said.

She continued, “I sold 50 million units … now I’m up here paying a tax debt. If that’s not likened to slavery, I don’t know what is.”

Huh. Well. We will go through some other things that are like slavery — like maybe some false imprisonment and attempted sexual assaults or something, perpetrated by one “Gentleman Joe” Francis, who is also going to prison — after the jump! (It is a bad day to be an asshole celebrity, is what we are saying, SADFACE.)

Things That Are More Like Slavery Than Lauryn Hill Having To Pay Her Taxes:

  • Trying to get the shrinkwrap off a CD is like the slave ships were packed tightly with little hope of escape.
  • Paying a surcharge to Ticketmaster is like being impregnated against your will by your owner, Thomas Jefferson.
  • If a slaveowner sold you down the river, you could lose your family. If an MP3 player switches to a new operating system, you could lose all your songs.
  • Slaves who took the Gospels seriously might be inspired to think of themselves as human. Recording artists who take the Gospels seriously might make an album as shitty as Bob Dylan’s “Saved.”
  • Having to walk all the way up to the cheap seats at the Hollywood Bowl is like having to work the prison chain gang in Cool Hand Luke, which was also considerably more like slavery than Lauryn Hill having to pay her taxes.
  • Being locked in Joe Francis’s limo and then taken against your will to his gated home is a FUCKLOAD more like slavery than Lauryn Hill having to pay her taxes.

Go to jail, Lauryn Hill and Joe Francis, for crimes both actual and against Taste.


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