Chris Christie Got Weight-Reduction Surgery And You People Will Be Nice Time About It Because We Say So

 
 So we wake up today and the world is all a-flutter about how Chris Christie had weight reduction surgery. (Yeah, yeah, we know people were talking about it last night, but we were busy watching the Met Gala and trying to figure out what the hell Beyonce was wearing. Sue us.)  Where were we? Oh, yeah. Having to wade through a veritable forest of articles speculating/questioning motives/snarking about a person having surgery to, you know, get healthier:  

Christie, whose persona as a notoriously outspoken Republican in the otherwise blue state of New Jersey, has long fought to control his weight.

A top Chris Christie aide tells ABC News that the governor kept his lap band surgery such a secret that even most of his top advisors didn't know he had the procedure.

Christie is in the midst of a run for reelection and reported this week raising $6.2 million in campaign cash. A successful reelection for a Republican in the Northeast would make him a stronger potential presidential hopeful. A slimmer figure might quiet questions about his health and his ability to compete in an exhaustive national campaign.

You know what? People keep this shit all privaceees all. the. time. because otherwise they have to listen to people fat-shame them for being not-slim AND shame them for taking the surgery route to be not not-slim. Also, too, if you're Chris Christie, you have to endure people writing deeply weird voices in their head columns about your surgery choices:

“Of course it’s a presidential thing,” the dubious voices reply. “He was also spotted spending quality time with his kids, something that presidents clearly want to have on their resumés, and maintaining a stable relationship with his wife, no doubt because that polls so well with voters. It’s all about 2016 at this point.”

“Really I think it could go either way,” someone else points out. “I mean, if he were doing what Cory Booker does and rescuing actual human beings from burning buildings all the time, I would say it was suspicious. But he might actually just be doing this for his health.”

These are NOT ACTUAL QUOTES, PEOPLE. This is just some odd fantasyland conversation between two halves of a WaPo columnist's brain, and once again we must break out our serious lament that these people make actual high profile support-your-family-in-style level money for writing stuff like this. Does it get weirder? Does it go on to mock other people for looking less lovable because they are thin? SURE DOES:  

“Wait a second,” you might be saying, “isn’t this something he could actually be doing for his family? Must we be cynical? Are we so sure it’s a presidential thing? After all, both losing weight and being elected president would force him to stop wearing that governor fleece of which he is so evidently fond. And also, what if what happened to Drew Carey happens to him, and he goes from being a jovial, friendly-looking specimen of humanity to, well, what Drew Carey looks like these days. That would not help his presidential bid at all. In fact, it might backfire.”

You know what? We are saying none of those things, WaPo. We are not going to trash Chris Christie for being slim OR not-slim. We are also not going to talk about which version of Drew Carey we prefer, unless you are a bear cub loving sort of gay, in which case feel free to fetishize body types.

We ARE saying that it is good that he will be healthier and will feel better and we generally feel all around nice time about it. Commenters, you are on notice that you should feel special nice time about this too, so deal with it. The Editrix is watching you.

[ ABC News / Washington Post ]