Minor Columnist Discovers Secret to Fixing America: Get Rid of All Poor Lonely Mommies

Hey there, errrebody. What are you up to? Nursing your hangover? Still drinking? Wishing you were dead? Us too, goddammit, but you don't see us whining about it. Instead, we're out combing the digital infotainews sphere and enduring get-off-my-lawn levels of derp from third-rate columnists at smallish city newspapers. Yes, Saint Paul, Minnesota's own Joe Soucheray, who is sort of a thinner and slightly less hostile Rush Limbaugh, barfed up a pile of words about how all the single ladies are wrecking America. Hint: It's by being poor!

From his column:  

It was reported the other day on an inside page of the Pioneer Press, and without nearly enough fanfare, that more than six out of 10 women who give birth in their early 20s are unmarried. That is census data, from census demographers, from the very government that then becomes responsible for many, if not most, of those unmarried women and children.

If that isn't an astonishing statistic, it should be. Why, to any logical person's way of thinking, it explains everything in terms of government at all levels bloating out of control.

Ummmm...we don't really have the time or space to unpack all the stupid here, but let's touch on a few things here shall we? Man yelling at clouds seems to believe that if the single mommies were not draining the government coffers, we wouldn't have no "so-called sequestration." (Yep, he really said that. Go look. We have no idea if he means he doesn't believe in the impacts of sequestration, he thinks the word sequestration is a made up term of art, or he thinks there's no such thing as sequestration. But bear in mind as you try to puzzle this out that this man has a column in a sorta major metropolitan paper while yr Wonkette toils for scraps).

Let's fact-check this bitch! How much monies do we spend on the lazy single mommies? Let's go find someone that already did the maths for us! Your gubmint spends roughly $3.5 trillion per year.Of that, about $235 billiongoes to nonworking poors of all flavors, not just the single mom variety. Let's play pretend and decide that the single lady flavors make up more than half of that and grift $150 billion off of you hardworking types each year. So about 4 percent of total spending, if our math is right and it is probably not! But certainly anything in the neighborhood of 4 percent of spending give or take ten percentage points "explains everything in terms of government at all levels bloating out of control," right? Getting that delicious monies back would probably fix every everything in our country. We are only spending $5 billion a year to buy drones; why not spend the mommy money to get like eleventy more drones?

As long as we're climbing this nonsense mountain, let's check out Area Man's solution to getting rid of the lady poors:

Supposing that even angels might fear to tread here, it being liberal dogma that I shouldn't be telling women what to do, or men, either, for that matter, I would submit that marriage would solve virtually every economic issue facing this country...

We hear a hue and cry for all-day kindergarten, which I suppose makes sense because the children have no place else to be if their single mom is fortunate enough to have a job. Whole bureaucracies have been created to cut general assistance checks and food payments and housing vouchers and health care provisions. All because there is no conventional family in place to take care of these obligations.

Perhaps if we had sweet-ass columnist gigs, this would make sense to us, but we are not, so it does not. All day kindergarten is bad, because it gives the poor kids somewhere to go to if their poor mom is not lazy. Paying moms assistance to not work is bad because it costs the gumbint money. Marriage fixes everything because when a poor lady marries a dude, they are automagically rich and do not have to work anymore because the American economy totally supports one-parent households and has oodles of well-paying menz jobs.

While we're back here in 1950s fantasyland, we'd like to go see Elvis and we might murder Pat Boone, or at least waylay him from having a recording career or spawning Debby Boone.

This is really long but there was math, so sorry we are not sorry.

[ Pioneer Press ]