Well, my dear Wonketteers, Yr. Teen Kolumnist has been given the privilege of reminding you once again of the shittiness of high-school life. Howevsies, this week’s topic relates to all of you, even now! For, as I am sure you know, breakups are the shittiest of shits, they are the shit to rule them all, the shit to find them, the shit to bring them all, and in the darkness make them even shittier (Dok has informed me that I have reached my limit for swears or LOTR quotes. Can’t remember, I wasn’t listening).
The easiest kind of breakup is that rare creature, the mutual breakup. No, not the leaving-your-wife-who-is-dying kind, but the legit actually mutual kind (Newt Gingrich needs to learn the meaning of mutual). I have actually just experienced one of these, and GOD was it easy. “It’s not working out [Mrs. Kid].” “Oh, definitely.” AND THEN WE CALMLY WENT AND PRACTICED MOTHERFUCKING CHOIR SONGS LIKE ADULTS!
However, much like most of Gingrich’s wedding vows, the claim that a breakup was mutual is most often a lie. It is generally weak, cliché, half-assed, and is generally called out for the great steaming mound of bovine feces that it so clearly is. It is also often used to compensate for the second, and more common, type of breakup: the one-sided type. This is where the true differences between “Teen Breakupz for Teenz” and “The Ending Of Adult Relationships” lie. From what I have garnered from hours of careful study and analysis of adult relationships (Courtesy of How I Met Your Mother and Friends), adult relationships end with a general sobbing, drinking, and possibly strippers. However, 66% of these are illegal for we Teenz. The largest, most solemn measures are taken in their place. These are the final toll of the bell for a relationship, the ultimate sign of rejection: deletion of the digital archive of your relationship from Facebook.
The second difference involves the actual relationship after the breakup. Chances are that you hung out with the same group of people as your ex, every day. And so, when this is taken from you, you had better find some new friends, and fast. Unless the Royal Flush that is remaining just friends occurs (which I have managed, so suck it), you pretty much are doomed to an awkward existence of passing in the halls and erasing any possibility of eye contact.
Not all breakups are painful. Some of them are actually hilarious. I managed to pay one girl to break up with her boyfriend of 6 days by using every single cliché known to man. He actually laughed as hard as I did. And when I broke up with a girl who I had dated for all of two weeks, I had a friend give me a tackle hug yelling “THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! I HATE HER!!!” And possibly the best one yet was a friend of mine, whose relationship wasn’t working, actually set his girlfriend up with his buddy seconds after breaking up with her.
Luckily for me, most of the breakups that happen in my life happen to other people. Unfortunately, they seem to dominate every single source of news that is available to me. I had a friend get broken up with on the day of the Boston Bombing, and the next day, when I said that I was still getting over yesterday, they said “Yeah hard to believe that El Chorizo Grande and Mrs. Sausage broke up.” I mean, yeah, it was upsetting, but srsly people, there’s bigger news.
There’s too much of an emphasis on breakups in our culture. All news of the week was canceled when “Seleiber” broke up. Any celebrity that breaks up with another is instantly front page news. Taylor “FuckingTonedeafAndWhinyAsShitWhyIsShePopular” Swift makes millions after each of her breakups, simply because we obsess over them. So I think all we need to do at this point is one simple task: stop giving a fuck.
Kid Zoom is a high school sophomore in the wilds of Idaho. He is Doktor Zoom’s spawn. We pay him in Bitcoins